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Auntie Ps advice line
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
Welcome this weeks installment of the advice line where lives can be changed in an instant.
Neighbours cat stolen your fish fingers?
Colleague got death breath?
Garden strimmer stuck up yer bum?
Whatever the issue I'll provide a tissue and solution to your woes and worries.
Don't be shy now
*legal kerfuffle*
Failure to not comply with any or all advice given may result in being arrested, decapitation, drowning, electrocution or death by embarrassment |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dear Auntie P,
Whenever I start getting dolled up I have Jessica Rabbit in mind. When I finish the mirror looks like a cross between Iggy Pop and Miss Piggy. Should I ask my doctor for a head transplant, or start an Iggy Pop tribute act.? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Would shower stilts be a good invention?"
As long as they have suckers on the bottom or it may be an accident waiting to happen.
I have no idea what gave you the idea of shower stilts. Totally clueless, but I salute you!
Get them made my child. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Would shower stilts be a good invention?
As long as they have suckers on the bottom or it may be an accident waiting to happen.
I have no idea what gave you the idea of shower stilts. Totally clueless, but I salute you!
Get them made my child."
I will. I know at least one person who will buy them  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Auntie. l don’t know how to say this again. But I’ve desires  "
You can say it as many times as you like. Desire brings the fire.
I'll light a jostick and the hob. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P,
Whenever I start getting dolled up I have Jessica Rabbit in mind. When I finish the mirror looks like a cross between Iggy Pop and Miss Piggy. Should I ask my doctor for a head transplant, or start an Iggy Pop tribute act.?"
Tribute act, you'll make a killing. Set up "merchandise" stalls too, flogging the stuff you'll normally bin. Kerching |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P,
Whenever I start getting dolled up I have Jessica Rabbit in mind. When I finish the mirror looks like a cross between Iggy Pop and Miss Piggy. Should I ask my doctor for a head transplant, or start an Iggy Pop tribute act.?
Tribute act, you'll make a killing. Set up "merchandise" stalls too, flogging the stuff you'll normally bin. Kerching "
Thankyou Auntie. I have a new found 'lust for life' |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Would shower stilts be a good invention?
As long as they have suckers on the bottom or it may be an accident waiting to happen.
I have no idea what gave you the idea of shower stilts. Totally clueless, but I salute you!
Get them made my child.
I will. I know at least one person who will buy them "
I think you just might |
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"Welcome this weeks installment of the advice line where lives can be changed in an instant.
Neighbours cat stolen your fish fingers?
Colleague got death breath?
Garden strimmer stuck up yer bum?
Whatever the issue I'll provide a tissue and solution to your woes and worries.
Don't be shy now
*legal kerfuffle*
Failure to not comply with any or all advice given may result in being arrested, decapitation, drowning, electrocution or death by embarrassment "
Hi Auntie,
I'm getting strong feelings for my teacher. Sometimes, I play with myself under the desk. I don't want to be caught with this embarrassing situation. What should I do? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Welcome this weeks installment of the advice line where lives can be changed in an instant.
Neighbours cat stolen your fish fingers?
Colleague got death breath?
Garden strimmer stuck up yer bum?
Whatever the issue I'll provide a tissue and solution to your woes and worries.
Don't be shy now
*legal kerfuffle*
Failure to not comply with any or all advice given may result in being arrested, decapitation, drowning, electrocution or death by embarrassment
Hi Auntie,
I'm getting strong feelings for my teacher. Sometimes, I play with myself under the desk. I don't want to be caught with this embarrassing situation. What should I do?"
Then don't allow yourself to get caught like it's a secret. Own that shizzle.
Tell everyone exactly what you're doing and be proud of your todger tickling |
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"Welcome this weeks installment of the advice line where lives can be changed in an instant.
Neighbours cat stolen your fish fingers?
Colleague got death breath?
Garden strimmer stuck up yer bum?
Whatever the issue I'll provide a tissue and solution to your woes and worries.
Don't be shy now
*legal kerfuffle*
Failure to not comply with any or all advice given may result in being arrested, decapitation, drowning, electrocution or death by embarrassment
Hi Auntie,
I'm getting strong feelings for my teacher. Sometimes, I play with myself under the desk. I don't want to be caught with this embarrassing situation. What should I do?
Then don't allow yourself to get caught like it's a secret. Own that shizzle.
Tell everyone exactly what you're doing and be proud of your todger tickling "
Bahahahaha!
You mean, like, stand up, be proud and do it in her face? Sort of thing! What is she rejects me? Infront of all? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P...
How can I stop being a miserable grumpy old cunt please ?? "
You secretly enjoy it.
Roll with it.
All the people on facefuck displaying the parts of their lives they want the world to see when reality couldn't be more different.
Start your own movement. Grumpbook. Where shit gets REAL |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Welcome this weeks installment of the advice line where lives can be changed in an instant.
Neighbours cat stolen your fish fingers?
Colleague got death breath?
Garden strimmer stuck up yer bum?
Whatever the issue I'll provide a tissue and solution to your woes and worries.
Don't be shy now
*legal kerfuffle*
Failure to not comply with any or all advice given may result in being arrested, decapitation, drowning, electrocution or death by embarrassment
Hi Auntie,
I'm getting strong feelings for my teacher. Sometimes, I play with myself under the desk. I don't want to be caught with this embarrassing situation. What should I do?
Then don't allow yourself to get caught like it's a secret. Own that shizzle.
Tell everyone exactly what you're doing and be proud of your todger tickling
Bahahahaha!
You mean, like, stand up, be proud and do it in her face? Sort of thing! What is she rejects me? Infront of all?"
Exactly that.
If she rejects you you simply say "didn't want you anyway you fat ugly bitch"
That's the standard response from anyone feeling butthurt |
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Dear Auntie P,
My fingers and toes are blooming well freezing here on this train platform 
Luckily, I know from watching Bear Grylls that inserting them into a warm area of the body will warm them up.
My question therefore: Is it acceptable social etiquette to ask a completely random stranger to insert my fingers into their arsehole? |
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"Dear Auntie P...
How can I stop being a miserable grumpy old cunt please ??
You secretly enjoy it.
Roll with it.
All the people on facefuck displaying the parts of their lives they want the world to see when reality couldn't be more different.
Start your own movement. Grumpbook. Where shit gets REAL "
Awesome idea .
A social network site for disenchanted fed up forty something whingebags , love it |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P,
My fingers and toes are blooming well freezing here on this train platform
Luckily, I know from watching Bear Grylls that inserting them into a warm area of the body will warm them up.
My question therefore: Is it acceptable social etiquette to ask a completely random stranger to insert my fingers into their arsehole? "
Completely acceptable providing the first thing you insert is a douche. You don't want sweetcorn nails. |
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"Dear Auntie P,
My fingers and toes are blooming well freezing here on this train platform
Luckily, I know from watching Bear Grylls that inserting them into a warm area of the body will warm them up.
My question therefore: Is it acceptable social etiquette to ask a completely random stranger to insert my fingers into their arsehole?
Completely acceptable providing the first thing you insert is a douche. You don't want sweetcorn nails."
 Thank you Auntie P x Sage advice as always, not least of all as I tend to bite my nails which could complicate matters even further.....  |
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"Welcome this weeks installment of the advice line where lives can be changed in an instant.
Neighbours cat stolen your fish fingers?
Colleague got death breath?
Garden strimmer stuck up yer bum?
Whatever the issue I'll provide a tissue and solution to your woes and worries.
Don't be shy now
*legal kerfuffle*
Failure to not comply with any or all advice given may result in being arrested, decapitation, drowning, electrocution or death by embarrassment
Hi Auntie,
I'm getting strong feelings for my teacher. Sometimes, I play with myself under the desk. I don't want to be caught with this embarrassing situation. What should I do?
Then don't allow yourself to get caught like it's a secret. Own that shizzle.
Tell everyone exactly what you're doing and be proud of your todger tickling
Bahahahaha!
You mean, like, stand up, be proud and do it in her face? Sort of thing! What is she rejects me? Infront of all?
Exactly that.
If she rejects you you simply say "didn't want you anyway you fat ugly bitch"
That's the standard response from anyone feeling butthurt "
Bahahahahahha!!!! Thanks for the advice! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P,
My fingers and toes are blooming well freezing here on this train platform
Luckily, I know from watching Bear Grylls that inserting them into a warm area of the body will warm them up.
My question therefore: Is it acceptable social etiquette to ask a completely random stranger to insert my fingers into their arsehole?
Completely acceptable providing the first thing you insert is a douche. You don't want sweetcorn nails.
Thank you Auntie P x Sage advice as always, not least of all as I tend to bite my nails which could complicate matters even further..... "
Well yes, you don't literally want to be talking shit |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P,
I can't stop writing in to random online advice lines.
What would you recommend I do about this? "
You continue your quest for answers: truth, justice and the American nightmare |
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Dear A P,
Since returning actively to fab as a new year resolution, I have been to several social events a spa club, had a fab socal meet, have a diary with more fab meets and socials filling my spare time. I also managed to collect a couples style verification by bringing a friend to a social.
I have no face pic on fab, I'm not exactly tall, and my profile is quite clear I'm Bi.
It seems I must have caught a personality is this an uncommon occurrence? |
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"Dear Aunty  .
Could you please make a hot water bottle, I’m freezing  "
Button, whilst hot water bottles have many uses, have you considered requesting a spoon? I'm told you can even get self hearing self adjusting spoons clad in PC, rubber or faux fur via this website they even self deliver and you can send them packing once used. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear A P,
Since returning actively to fab as a new year resolution, I have been to several social events a spa club, had a fab socal meet, have a diary with more fab meets and socials filling my spare time. I also managed to collect a couples style verification by bringing a friend to a social.
I have no face pic on fab, I'm not exactly tall, and my profile is quite clear I'm Bi.
It seems I must have caught a personality is this an uncommon occurrence?"
Ohhhhh shit you're heading to doomsville.
You see, when people become personality people they become hot property.
Now, unless you want those with vaginas at your door and the doors of those you meet with pitchforks and demanding blood or marriage, I suggest deleting this post and pretending you're about as popular as ants at a picnic. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Aunty .
Could you please make a hot water bottle, I’m freezing "
Course I can. I still have some bath water left that's warm. I'll take a steaming turd in it to heat it back up to optimum temperature |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Dear Aunty .
Could you please make a hot water bottle, I’m freezing
Course I can. I still have some bath water left that's warm. I'll take a steaming turd in it to heat it back up to optimum temperature "
Ummmmmm thanks |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Aunty P. I can't think of a problem for you to resolve. Why not ? eh ? Why fucking not ?"
It's coz you got your shit together innit.... or that the memory loss tablets I slipped ya or working to stop you spilling the beans about the porno we made with the pizza guy. Seriously though, rubber pizza prop, what the fuck is that all about? |
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" Ohhhhh shit you're heading to doomsville.
You see, when people become personality people they become hot property.
Now, unless you want those with vaginas at your door and the doors of those you meet with pitchforks and demanding blood or marriage, I suggest deleting this post and pretending you're about as popular as ants at a picnic."
Ah it seems I'm for it as you quoted my post, before I know it I might be flogged in front of the community  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Welcome this weeks installment of the advice line where lives can be changed in an instant.
Neighbours cat stolen your fish fingers?
Colleague got death breath?
Garden strimmer stuck up yer bum?
Whatever the issue I'll provide a tissue and solution to your woes and worries.
Don't be shy now
*legal kerfuffle*
Failure to not comply with any or all advice given may result in being arrested, decapitation, drowning, electrocution or death by embarrassment
Hi Auntie,
I'm getting strong feelings for my teacher. Sometimes, I play with myself under the desk. I don't want to be caught with this embarrassing situation. What should I do?
Then don't allow yourself to get caught like it's a secret. Own that shizzle.
Tell everyone exactly what you're doing and be proud of your todger tickling
Bahahahaha!
You mean, like, stand up, be proud and do it in her face? Sort of thing! What is she rejects me? Infront of all?
Exactly that.
If she rejects you you simply say "didn't want you anyway you fat ugly bitch"
That's the standard response from anyone feeling butthurt "
^^^^^^^ Bahahahaha This ^^^^^^^
|
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear auntie P.
I'm currently sitting with a post work cuppa and I've a big pack of cookies in my bag. How do I go about eating them without getting kicked out for bringing my own food? "
Snaffle them in the bogs ya tramp |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Auntie P, since a rather hot sexual experience recently I've had the horn non-stop, it's driving me insane! Help!"
Tie your wrists to your ankles to stop you masturbating you filthy mare.
Sing a song of sixpence a pocketful of rye
Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie |
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By *eeleyWoman
over a year ago
Dudley |
"Auntie P, since a rather hot sexual experience recently I've had the horn non-stop, it's driving me insane! Help!
Tie your wrists to your ankles to stop you masturbating you filthy mare.
Sing a song of sixpence a pocketful of rye
Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie"
I tried that, I just got hornier, I love bondage. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P,
I've always wondered and now I've found just the person to tell me - what's it like living in Lilliput? "
It's tough my friend, it doesn't seem to matter what the challenge is, everything in life seems just out of reach  |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Dear auntie P.
I'm currently sitting with a post work cuppa and I've a big pack of cookies in my bag. How do I go about eating them without getting kicked out for bringing my own food?
Snaffle them in the bogs ya tramp "
Ew!
It's OK, I got bored waiting for your advice and ate them anyway |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear auntie P.
I'm currently sitting with a post work cuppa and I've a big pack of cookies in my bag. How do I go about eating them without getting kicked out for bringing my own food?
Snaffle them in the bogs ya tramp
Ew!
It's OK, I got bored waiting for your advice and ate them anyway"
 crisis averted |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"My hubby won't stop giving me orgasm's and, tbh, I like them too much. It's becoming addictive. How can I persuade him to be rubbish in bed?
Thanks"
What you need to do is this.
Purchase a lava lamp and put it on his side of the bed. He will be so mesmerized by the waxy bubbliness that he forgets what to do. He will just sit there, motionless, dribbling and in awe of the coloured light and freedom of the swirls |
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