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Bad behaviour....:-(
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By *risky_Mare OP Woman
over a year ago
...Up on the Downs |
How do you decide whether or not to say something to a friend who's behaviour in a social setting was really bad - disloyal, upsetting, annoying etc.
Do you say nothing because they are an old friend and you accept them for what they are, and it will bother you less in time, or do you say something because a good friend should be your best sandpaper - someone to tell you when you are being bang out of order?
Can't make my mind up, so I am letting it sit for a while...... 
Food for thought would be good though - what do you think guys? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think i’d say something. If they were out of order and you feel they were out of order despite knowing them and their usual behaviour/quirks, then they should be pulled up on it. Especially if it’s caused offence/upset. |
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I had a “friend” similar to this, she would always cause drama when we were out etc she was a pain in the arse and the most passive aggressive person too, the icing on the cake was when she said she was diagnosed with autism after 1drs appointment and used the autism card! I ended up cutting her out of my life, blocked her on everything |
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I would say something.
IMO a friend should stop you looking/acting like a twat, if a friend didn't pull me up on my behaviour I would wonder if they were that good a friend.
* Not trying to imply you aren't a good friend, but it is one of my friendship conditions. |
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Depends on the situation.
If they upset someone you both know, I would mention they perhaps owe "X" an apology.
If their behaviour was not at anyone in general I'd more than likely wait until the next time a get together was brought up, and say "after last time.... I don't think that's such a good idea"
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
Not something I've encountered often mercifully - but think the answer would be it depends. If it was a one off with minimal impact then I might let it slide.
If it reflected badly on them or impacted others I'd perhaps slip an off the cuff "that was a bit out of order" into the conversation.
If it were a regular occurrence and previous attempts to set them straight had failed is when the awkward pondering starts though, and may even cause me to question the friendship.
Sorry that's probably not helped much  |
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By *tonMessCouple
over a year ago
Slough Windsor ish |
I'd probably have a quiet word with them later, on nuetral territory and in a calm environment. I don't hide my feelings too well and if their behaviour has pissed me off somehow I'd feel better telling them than keeping them wondering why I'm being offish with them. |
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By *risky_Mare OP Woman
over a year ago
...Up on the Downs |
"I'd tell them to not behave like that when they are with me as I don't want that behaviour to reflect on me"
That's part of it - I have another event coming up with them and I do NOT want a repeat. I have already decided I will need to distance myself, but still not sure if I should explain why or not.
Maybe I could say something about wanting more time to myself on that occasion and see if they ask why. |
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By *risky_Mare OP Woman
over a year ago
...Up on the Downs |
"I'd probably have a quiet word with them later, on nuetral territory and in a calm environment. I don't hide my feelings too well and if their behaviour has pissed me off somehow I'd feel better telling them than keeping them wondering why I'm being offish with them."
Yup, I am being very offish right now, not for effect, just co's I need to withdraw. I was hurt by their disloyalty and offended by their somewhat immoral behaviour. |
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By *risky_Mare OP Woman
over a year ago
...Up on the Downs |
"I would hope a good friend would realise when I needed to hear an uncomfortable truth and deliver it with love"
I can do that, but to be honest I doubt the reaction would be good - the problem was histrionic/narcissitic behaviour and I know that spirit will not accept any criticism well. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I would say "Tina! (or whoever), you made me look a right cunt! And that grinding to the floor move you do...not appropriate for your age love. Sort it out or you're not coming out with us again, ok".
And smile sweetly  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I would hope a good friend would realise when I needed to hear an uncomfortable truth and deliver it with love
I can do that, but to be honest I doubt the reaction would be good - the problem was histrionic/narcissitic behaviour and I know that spirit will not accept any criticism well."
Did she just embarrass herself?
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By *risky_Mare OP Woman
over a year ago
...Up on the Downs |
"I would hope a good friend would realise when I needed to hear an uncomfortable truth and deliver it with love
I can do that, but to be honest I doubt the reaction would be good - the problem was histrionic/narcissitic behaviour and I know that spirit will not accept any criticism well.
Did she just embarrass herself?
"
No she offended people at the same time. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I would hope a good friend would realise when I needed to hear an uncomfortable truth and deliver it with love
I can do that, but to be honest I doubt the reaction would be good - the problem was histrionic/narcissitic behaviour and I know that spirit will not accept any criticism well.
Did she just embarrass herself?
No she offended people at the same time."
Do you take her, as your guest and do they know her?
I'd have to tell her, if other people were offended. But, that would depend on the social setting and what she actually did. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"How do you decide whether or not to say something to a friend who's behaviour in a social setting was really bad - disloyal, upsetting, annoying etc.
Do you say nothing because they are an old friend and you accept them for what they are, and it will bother you less in time, or do you say something because a good friend should be your best sandpaper - someone to tell you when you are being bang out of order?
Can't make my mind up, so I am letting it sit for a while......
Food for thought would be good though - what do you think guys?"
Hey that person is that person do you want to change that person to suit your criteria or just let him/her be the person you liked and allowed to become your friend, I'd just leave it be they may resent you for judging them |
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By *risky_Mare OP Woman
over a year ago
...Up on the Downs |
"I always say to my friends if im acting a cunt tell me straight dont sugar coat it"
Yes, some of us would want to know - other would likely react really badly - I have a feeling she is the latter, hence my hesitation. I did make a couple of comments at the time and they were rejected quite vigorously. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I would say "Tina! (or whoever), you made me look a right cunt! And that grinding to the floor move you do...not appropriate for your age love. Sort it out or you're not coming out with us again, ok".
And smile sweetly "
 that tickled me |
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By *risky_Mare OP Woman
over a year ago
...Up on the Downs |
"How do you decide whether or not to say something to a friend who's behaviour in a social setting was really bad - disloyal, upsetting, annoying etc.
Do you say nothing because they are an old friend and you accept them for what they are, and it will bother you less in time, or do you say something because a good friend should be your best sandpaper - someone to tell you when you are being bang out of order?
Can't make my mind up, so I am letting it sit for a while......
Food for thought would be good though - what do you think guys?Hey that person is that person do you want to change that person to suit your criteria or just let him/her be the person you liked and allowed to become your friend, I'd just leave it be they may resent you for judging them "
You can recognise and call bad behaviour without judging a person. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"How do you decide whether or not to say something to a friend who's behaviour in a social setting was really bad - disloyal, upsetting, annoying etc.
Do you say nothing because they are an old friend and you accept them for what they are, and it will bother you less in time, or do you say something because a good friend should be your best sandpaper - someone to tell you when you are being bang out of order?
Can't make my mind up, so I am letting it sit for a while......
Food for thought would be good though - what do you think guys?Hey that person is that person do you want to change that person to suit your criteria or just let him/her be the person you liked and allowed to become your friend, I'd just leave it be they may resent you for judging them
You can recognise and call bad behaviour without judging a person."
true but not knowing what the bad behaviour was makes it difficult to make an accurate assumption, your friend obviously thought it was appropriate at that moment |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I always say to my friends if im acting a cunt tell me straight dont sugar coat it
Yes, some of us would want to know - other would likely react really badly - I have a feeling she is the latter, hence my hesitation. I did make a couple of comments at the time and they were rejected quite vigorously."
Then, I'd have to tell her she's not invited out with me again, and if she's at an event or gathering that I attend, I shall be keeping my distance. If her behaviours is that bad the organisers will stop sending her invites. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Any more thoughts, this is really bugging me?leave her be, she will get angry with you
I am, but we don't really chat between events anyway."
she's not a friend then she's an acquaintance |
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By *risky_Mare OP Woman
over a year ago
...Up on the Downs |
"Any more thoughts, this is really bugging me?leave her be, she will get angry with you
I am, but we don't really chat between events anyway.she's not a friend then she's an acquaintance "
No, you don't need to chat every day with someone you've known for 30 years who lives 100 miles away. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Any more thoughts, this is really bugging me?leave her be, she will get angry with you
I am, but we don't really chat between events anyway.she's not a friend then she's an acquaintance
No, you don't need to chat every day with someone you've known for 30 years who lives 100 miles away."
Well its your call but I would leave her be some people are more liable to get angry than others and when that red mist descends they just don't care |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I would speak to her and judge it from her reaction what action to take next.
Her behaviour is affecting your enjoyment of a social situation and that's not fair. I would clearly explain why that's the case and see how she acted the next time. If it happens again I would tell her I don't want to associate with her anymore. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"How do you decide whether or not to say something to a friend who's behaviour in a social setting was really bad - disloyal, upsetting, annoying etc.
Do you say nothing because they are an old friend and you accept them for what they are, and it will bother you less in time, or do you say something because a good friend should be your best sandpaper - someone to tell you when you are being bang out of order?
Can't make my mind up, so I am letting it sit for a while......
Food for thought would be good though - what do you think guys?"
I think you have to be careful in how you say it but..
If you don’t say something resentment could build and it damages the relationship anyway
If you don’t say something how do you know it won’t happen again?
If you say something what’s the worst that could happen? They get upset, well you’re upset now
Will you be upset if it happens again?
If they don’t talk to you as a result well... I guess that’s their choice but if you do it in the right way may help both of you?
But that’s just my opinion |
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By *risky_Mare OP Woman
over a year ago
...Up on the Downs |
"I would speak to her and judge it from her reaction what action to take next.
"
Good point. I'm not prepared to let it happen 'next time', because the 'next time' event is going to be really important to me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I would speak to her and judge it from her reaction what action to take next.
Good point. I'm not prepared to let it happen 'next time', because the 'next time' event is going to be really important to me."
Can you make sure she doesn't go to the important event? |
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By *risky_Mare OP Woman
over a year ago
...Up on the Downs |
"I would speak to her and judge it from her reaction what action to take next.
Good point. I'm not prepared to let it happen 'next time', because the 'next time' event is going to be really important to me.
Can you make sure she doesn't go to the important event?"
Can't, tickets purchased.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's really upsetting the first time you realise someone is capable of truly toxic behaviour."
I've felt guilty that I believed they were an ok person but they turned out to be toxic.
It's not your fault though.
I wouldn't speak to her before the event because if she's really that toxic she might misbehave on purpose. I'd just hope she was ok that day. I'd also make sure I didn't depend on her for transport so I could leave if there were any issues. x |
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By *risky_Mare OP Woman
over a year ago
...Up on the Downs |
"It's really upsetting the first time you realise someone is capable of truly toxic behaviour.
I've felt guilty that I believed they were an ok person but they turned out to be toxic.
It's not your fault though.
I wouldn't speak to her before the event because if she's really that toxic she might misbehave on purpose. I'd just hope she was ok that day. I'd also make sure I didn't depend on her for transport so I could leave if there were any issues. x"
I don't think she's capable of that and I hope she will be moved to reflect and save the friendship, but it is a multi-day event. And no, travelling separately on different days. |
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"How do you decide whether or not to say something to a friend who's behaviour in a social setting was really bad - disloyal, upsetting, annoying etc.
Do you say nothing because they are an old friend and you accept them for what they are, and it will bother you less in time, or do you say something because a good friend should be your best sandpaper - someone to tell you when you are being bang out of order?
Can't make my mind up, so I am letting it sit for a while......
Food for thought would be good though - what do you think guys?"
Perhaps use open questions... How Do they feel themselves? ... What's happening in their life to make them act out of sorts? etc. Maybe not as an inquisition although tell them you're getting concerned that things are going wrong and leaking into the friendship.
Hope things all turn out for the best and you get your old friend back soon
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By *risky_Mare OP Woman
over a year ago
...Up on the Downs |
"How do you decide whether or not to say something to a friend who's behaviour in a social setting was really bad - disloyal, upsetting, annoying etc.
Do you say nothing because they are an old friend and you accept them for what they are, and it will bother you less in time, or do you say something because a good friend should be your best sandpaper - someone to tell you when you are being bang out of order?
Can't make my mind up, so I am letting it sit for a while......
Food for thought would be good though - what do you think guys?
Perhaps use open questions... How Do they feel themselves? ... What's happening in their life to make them act out of sorts? etc. Maybe not as an inquisition although tell them you're getting concerned that things are going wrong and leaking into the friendship.
Hope things all turn out for the best and you get your old friend back soon
"
Thank you - bottom line I would like my old friend back. The approach of open questions would be the most diplomatic I reckon, but I couldn't did that 'clean' at the moment, too hurt and upset. I need to give it more time.
Bottom line she needs to get laid! I did hope jealousy was not involved but I fear it might be. |
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By *risky_Mare OP Woman
over a year ago
...Up on the Downs |
"It's really upsetting the first time you realise someone is capable of truly toxic behaviour.what did she do??? There's always 1 knobhead in a group but it must be bad?"
It was not totally about the behaviour but the underlying attitudes and morality that it revealed. |
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"It's really upsetting the first time you realise someone is capable of truly toxic behaviour.what did she do??? There's always 1 knobhead in a group but it must be bad?
It was not totally about the behaviour but the underlying attitudes and morality that it revealed. "
hmmm. I once booted my mate on an 18/30 pub crawl for sucking a guy in full view of everyone FOR FREE! Still love her tho so I'm trying to understand what's got ur mad up x |
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