FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Dom/sub dynamic

Dom/sub dynamic

By *helucifereffect OP Man over a year ago

york

Who really holds the power? Interested in people's thoughts as I sometimes believe it is the sub that is really orchestrating the power play within the dynamic as it is he/she that ultimately hands the Dom control?

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The sub holds all the real power.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By *helucifereffect OP Man over a year ago

york

My thoughts exactly....

I see it as a form of control, nice ink you have there miss splinters

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By *ryst In IsoldeWoman over a year ago

your imagination

The sub holds the power. As a Switch I've enjoyed both roles immensely, but a Dom/Dommé will always be limited by a sub's boundaries, whereas the sub decides just how far things will be allowed to go.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

For me it is all about power exchange. The sub gives the power to the Dominant, but only and this is the key part, after the Dominant has earnt the trust of the sub.

As to the ultimate power - I believe it is shared equally, both parties can end a scene by simply saying the safe word.

The biggest key is trust: trust that the Dominant won't cross the agreed hard limits and trust that the submissive will be open and honest about their limits and use their safe word if they need too.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By *helucifereffect OP Man over a year ago

york

I also like to switch and have often thought that as you are laying out the boundaries as a sub you're the one that's in control it's a strange thing as most would think it is the Dom/Domme that holds the power, yet it is really the sub that empowers such a situation

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

That's not how it works here. We're M/s and he has complete authority, end of story.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By *helucifereffect OP Man over a year ago

york

Agreed.....none of the above works without trust!

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By *helucifereffect OP Man over a year ago

york

"That's not how it works here. We're M/s and he has complete authority, end of story. "

Total unconditional control?

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Who really holds the power? Interested in people's thoughts as I sometimes believe it is the sub that is really orchestrating the power play within the dynamic as it is he/she that ultimately hands the Dom control? "

Speaking with over 4 years experience of owning some amazing subs. Initially the sub holds the "reigns" as it is their submission and body but as the connection strengthens and trust and understanding this leans to the Dom. And even then the sub reserves the right to stop and time by using the safe work.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I better add Ds Ms is different so everyone, make it work for you and it can be amazing.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"The sub holds all the real power."

This is how I see it. But it's a fine balance.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By *orum TrollWoman over a year ago

•+• Access Denied •+•

the dominant should hold most of the control, if not all. and it should happen naturally...you get to know each other and your likes/dislikes, the sub enjoys fulfilling what the dominant wants. or maybe, not put much thought into this for a while, they just enjoy being submissive to a particular person and serving them.

often notice subs try to top from the bottom though. they have needs and put them first.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By *emplarWarriorMan over a year ago

Nottingham

You have just contradicted yourself in the same reply

So what your say is the Dom has the accelerator and the sub has the brake yeah

So who controls the car?

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By *hatsthisMan over a year ago

Newcastle

I think its not about the sub or Dom/Domme holding the power, the power is always the woman IMO.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

You have just contradicted yourself in the same reply

So what your say is the Dom has the accelerator and the sub has the brake yeah

So who controls the car? "

I did think I contacted myself but think of it like a journey.

The sub sets the destination, ie spanking.

The Dom takes the sub there. And test that limit reassuring the sub and caring for the sub.

The sub sets the next destination, ie wax play. The Dom gets them both there, reassuring the sub and caring for the sub.

Team work, communication and trust. When the sub trust the Dom with their life then the Dom gets to set the destination and get them both there. Small trust building tasks and activities go a long way.

I guess that is the same with any relationship.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I think its not about the sub or Dom/Domme holding the power, the power is always the woman IMO."

The sex of the individuals is immaterial - what if it was two males in a D/s relationship, which woman holds the power?

There are some great examples and points coming out from this thread, mainly;

Communication, trust and respect. I still stand by my previous statement that the power is shared; the sub is only a sub because the Dominant enables it and the Dominant is only a Dominant because the sun enables it. Both can change that with a single word!

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By *landfordfabbersCouple over a year ago

Blandford ish

Ultimately the sub has control safe words controls everything! The Dom ( or domme) can only push boundaries up until the safe word applies, living D/s for a couple years we have spoken to many people and so many people say "oh yea we have no limits"

I call bs everyone has limits

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The sub holds the power, even though it doesn't look like that from outside of the relationship. The sub and dom both know that

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By *orum TrollWoman over a year ago

•+• Access Denied •+•

see, for me, the sub would have no power. they'd enjoy submitting to me and what i want. they would get their pleasure from pleasing me, they would understand me and put up with my shit because they really do think i'm the shit myself.

i'm sure that type of sub exists seeing as i've been in a relationship with someone exactly like that. and it's why, when someone offers submission to me yet go on about their own needs over mine i'm not interested.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By *emplarWarriorMan over a year ago

Nottingham

"The sub holds the power, even though it doesn't look like that from outside of the relationship. The sub and dom both know that

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"see, for me, the sub would have no power. they'd enjoy submitting to me and what i want. they would get their pleasure from pleasing me, they would understand me and put up with my shit because they really do think i'm the shit myself.

But the sub knows the hard limits etc and when they use the safe word, that's it, game over.

I think what your talking about isn't truly sub/Dom?

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The sub everytime

and that is the way it should be

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

But the sub knows the hard limits etc and when they use the safe word, that's it, game over.

I think what your talking about isn't truly sub/Dom?"

I hate the terms true Dom and true sub, or in this case "not true D/s". Different dynamics work for different people. YYour waty of doing things is different to there's. It doesn't make it better or more true.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By *orum TrollWoman over a year ago

•+• Access Denied •+•

But the sub knows the hard limits etc and when they use the safe word, that's it, game over.

I think what your talking about isn't truly sub/Dom?"

it is true submission, almost altruistic, and very rare because most people are not capable of being truly vulnerable to another person who loves them.

if you need a safe word you already do not trust that the other person knows you well enough to not harm you. that they cannot read your without words.

so yeah, it's def not NSA dom/sub at all. it's real.

i used to be of the opinion that sub also had some power (since being online and talking to selfish people), but then i think about my relationship and how i had all the power there and it was given to me and i never abused that, and it worked for us. and that, to me, is true submission.

you can see it all around you too, outside of sex. some submit, some do not. i'm sure either way none of these people class themselves as anything sub/dom but they act like it. it's more a natural thing and progresses properly when people actually know each other and it just works for them.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The sub holds the power and they both know it, however it takes trust, understanding and respect on both sides.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I think this move into the realms of Master and slave. But that is another thread.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"The sub holds the power and they both know it, however it takes trust, understanding and respect on both sides. "

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By *orum TrollWoman over a year ago

•+• Access Denied •+•

I think this move into the realms of Master and slave. But that is another thread."

not really. i'm just expecting a deeper, more devotional level of submission than most people.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By *emplarWarriorMan over a year ago

Nottingham

I think this move into the realms of Master and slave. But that is another thread."

A Master still respects and loves his slave, and yes they would understand you, but a Master understands his subject more, and no Master worth his salt would push his slave past her boundaries.

There may not be hard limits, there may not be safe words, but he has "Mastered" her, he knows her limits, he knows what she can and will take. He knows his subject better than she does.

So in that instance she still holds the power, for a Master won't break his toy. She may not shout it out but he knows when enough is enough, to push a sub/slave further than she is willing to go is abuse and bulling.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"That's not how it works here. We're M/s and he has complete authority, end of story.

Total unconditional control? "

We use the term authority rather than control. But yeah, he has it, no conditions.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Ultimately the sub has control safe words controls everything! The Dom ( or domme) can only push boundaries up until the safe word applies, living D/s for a couple years we have spoken to many people and so many people say "oh yea we have no limits"

I call bs everyone has limits

We don't use safe words and I don't impose my limits on my husband.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I think this move into the realms of Master and slave. But that is another thread.

A Master still respects and loves his slave, and yes they would understand you, but a Master understands his subject more, and no Master worth his salt would push his slave past her boundaries.

There may not be hard limits, there may not be safe words, but he has "Mastered" her, he knows her limits, he knows what she can and will take. He knows his subject better than she does.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By *helucifereffect OP Man over a year ago

york

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I think as well as the D/s dyanmic it also come down to the dynamic between two individual people.

Everyone is different and enjoy different things and the othe factors such as trust and communication.

For me ultimately it has to be enjoyable for both

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By *ohnaronMan over a year ago

london

When the domme tells you she is going to drive a needle through the head of your penis you either submit or start looking for another domme.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By *alcon43Woman over a year ago

Paisley

This is why it's so difficult to find a good Dom. Some people want to control you without taking care of your needs. Some people are bullies in the guise of a Dom/Domme.

Communication and trust are key in a good relationship. I'm bratty so I may turn a situation to my advantage. Not quite topping from the bottom but manipulating the situation.

Not all subs want to be spanked, paddled, restrained into oblivion. Some of us like to be stroked and treated gently.

But the sub does hold the key. Without agreeing to play there is no Dom.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By *helucifereffect OP Man over a year ago

york

"This is why it's so difficult to find a good Dom. Some people want to control you without taking care of your needs. Some people are bullies in the guise of a Dom/Domme.

Communication and trust are key in a good relationship. I'm bratty so I may turn a situation to my advantage. Not quite topping from the bottom but manipulating the situation.

Not all subs want to be spanked, paddled, restrained into oblivion. Some of us like to be stroked and treated gently.

But the sub does hold the key. Without agreeing to play there is no Dom. "

It's all about that desire to fulfill those needs.

P.s bratty girls excite me

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

We've never been into Subs/Doms and don't really get it? It's not our thing, but each to their own! Enjoy and keep it sunny side up folks.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Here it's not just about play, it's the way we live our life. He's in charge in all areas, not just in the bedroom. From me he expects obedience and that's what I agreed to. Wouldn't work for everyone but works for us

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Here it's not just about play, it's the way we live our life. He's in charge in all areas, not just in the bedroom. From me he expects obedience and that's what I agreed to. Wouldn't work for everyone but works for us

Maybe it's because we both work in fields where doing as your told, or telling others to do as they're told! so when we are playing we are playing just for fun!

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By *emini ManMan over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

In all honesty I don't think there is any true definition save for the one agreed between the individuals involved - whilst it's certainly true that the sub holds an element of control by giving their submission in the first place, it's easy to see how over time and with the building of trust and respect that the level of control may swing more towards the Dom/me - or even within the context of an individual scene how the level of control held by either Dom/me or sub may swing back and forth dependent on the scene.

I always like to think of Dom/mes and subs as being two sides of the same coin who are equals rather than either of them ultimately holding total control.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By *hatsthisMan over a year ago

Newcastle

"I think its not about the sub or Dom/Domme holding the power, the power is always the woman IMO.

The sex of the individuals is immaterial - what if it was two males in a D/s relationship, which woman holds the power?

There are some great examples and points coming out from this thread, mainly;

Yes probably this in reality.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Sub holds the powe and can take back that power as and when she chooses,

But every dynamic is different and on deferent levels, some are 24/7 with 1 time power exchange (me and My Master Daddy) exchanging of wedding vows and gaining my collar, was our full handing over control completely, I have a safe word not that stupid not to have one but Master has given me that from day one, and expects me to use it,

But do have open discussions when things change in our dynamic,

Then there's the newly established dynamics where full commitment hasn't taken place and the getting to know that person building up trust etc

It does get to a stage where you fully give up control naturally as the relationship evolves, but takes many years

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

» Add a new message to this topic