ON THE FIRST DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE SENT TO ME ...
14th December
Dearest Darling John,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a pear
tree.
What a delightful romantic gift.
Thank you my darling for the lovely thought.
With deep affection,
Your ever loving
Agnes.
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15th December
My Dearest Darling John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift of two turtledoves. I'm
delighted, they are adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
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16th December
Dearest Darling John,
Oh how extravagant you really are. I must protest, I don't deserve such
generosity, three French hens, I insist you are too kind.
Your loving,
Agnes
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17th December
Dear John,
What can I say? Four beautiful calling birds arrived with the Postman this
morning.
Your kindness really is too much.
Love
Agnes
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18th December
My Dear John
What a surprise, today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for
every finger. You really are an impossible boy, but I love you.
Frankly all the birds are beginning to squawk and get on my nerves.
Love
Agnes.
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19th December
Dear John
When I opened the door this morning, there were actually six bloody great
geese - laying eggs all over the front step. What on earth do you think I
can do with them all?
The neighbours are beginning to complain about the smell, and I can't sleep
because of the noise!
Please stop.
Cordially yours,
Agnes
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20th December
What is it with you and these f*cking birds? Now I get seven swans a
swanning about the place! Is it some sort of goddamned joke?
The house is full of bird sh*t, and the racket !!! I am becoming a nervous
wreck. It is not funny anymore, stop sending these f*cking birds !!!
Agnes.
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21st December
OK buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the h*ll am I going to do with
eight maids a milking?
It's not enough with all the birds, now I have eight cows cr*pping all over
the house and mooing all night long.
F*CK OFF !!!!!!!
Agnes.
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22nd December
Look d*ckhead - what are you on ?? You're having a laugh.
Now I have Nine pipers playing sh*te music constantly !!! And Christ do they
play.... When they aren't playing their s*dding pipes, they keep chasing the
Maids through the cow sh*t.
The cows keep on mooing and are treading all over the f*cking birds !!!
The neighbours are threatening to have me evicted.
Agnes.
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23rd December
You are a f*cking barsteward !!!! Now we have ten ladies dancing. How on
earth anyone can call these wh*res "ladies" is beyond me, they're
pulling the pipers all night long !!!!!
The cows can't sleep and now have diarrhoea. My living room is a sea of sh*t
and the landlord has just declared the building unfit for human habitation.
F*CK OFF AND DIE JOHN, DO US ALL A FAVOUR !!!!!!!
Agnes
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24th December
Listen sh*t face - what with eleven lords leaping about the house, sh*gging
me and the maids senseless, I shall probably never walk again.
The pipers are now fighting the lords for all the crumpet and resorting to
committing s*domy with the cows, the birds are dead and rotting having been
trampled during the orgy.
I hope you're satisfied ? you w*nker
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes.
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25th December
You stinking lousy sh*t !!!! Twelve f*cking drummers, banging their f*cking
drums all day long !!!! They have teamed up with the pipers,making one hell
of a noise, both lots have been b*ggering the cows and Christ alone knows
what happened to the milkmaids? They've probably drowned in the cow sh*t by
now.
The only way I have to saved myself from getting
screwed to death is by hiding up in the f*cking pear tree which has been
well fertilised by all this sh*t and has now grown through the roof
!!!!!
b*llocks to you,
Agnes.
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