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Xmas Jokes of the day!
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Three men die on Xmas eve, to get into heaven St Peter says "You must have something on you that represents Xmas"
The Englishman flicks on his lighter and says "it's a candle," St Peter lets him pass, the Welsh man jingles his keys and says "they're sleigh bells,"
St Peter lets him pass, the Irish
man pulls out a G String and bra,
St Peter says "how the fuck do they represent Xmas?.."
Paddy says "they're Carols.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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" Just bought myself a Jehovahs witness christmas advent calender.
Every time you open a door someone tells you to fuck off.
That made me chuckle.  "
me too |
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"On the Table"
He laid her on the table. So white clean and bare. His forehead wet with beads of sweat. He rubbed her here and there. He touched her neck and then her breast. And then drooling felt her thigh. The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry. The hole was wide...he looked inside. All was dark and murky. He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms... And then he stuffed the turkey. |
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" Three men die on Xmas eve, to get into heaven St Peter says "You must have something on you that represents Xmas"
The Englishman flicks on his lighter and says "it's a candle," St Peter lets him pass, the Welsh man jingles his keys and says "they're sleigh bells,"
St Peter lets him pass, the Irish
man pulls out a G String and bra,
St Peter says "how the fuck do they represent Xmas?.."
Paddy says "they're Carols.
"
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
" Three men die on Xmas eve, to get into heaven St Peter says "You must have something on you that represents Xmas"
The Englishman flicks on his lighter and says "it's a candle," St Peter lets him pass, the Welsh man jingles his keys and says "they're sleigh bells,"
St Peter lets him pass, the Irish
man pulls out a G String and bra,
St Peter says "how the fuck do they represent Xmas?.."
Paddy says "they're Carols.
"
That's funny, lol. |
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Dirty Johnny climbs onto Santa’s lap at the department store. Santa says, "I’ll bet I know what you want for Christmas." And with his index finger he taps the boy on the nose with every letter he spells, "T-O-Y-S."
The little boy answers, "No, I have enough toys."
Santa tries again, tapping Johnny’s nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."
Again, Johnny says, "No, I have all kinds of candy."
"Well, what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.
Johnny replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y. And don’t tell me you don’t have any because I can smell it on your finger!" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A naughty boy goes to see santa and jumps on his knee and says 'listen you fat bastard I want a bike, a new play station and a shit load of games and if I don't get em I'll kick you in the balls and poison Rudolph!'
Santa is very shocked and the kids parents are cringing at what he has said to the old fella playing Santa.
"we're very sorry for his behaviour and language, we just can't seem to stop him being naughty" says the parents.
Santa tells the little lad to and pick a pressie from one of the helpers and whispers to the parents "on christmas eve stuff his stocking with something nasty and that'll cure him"
So on christmas eve the parents tiptoe into the kids bedroom and stuff his stocking with horse poo and leave a trail of it leading to the christmas tree instead of the usual presents the leave.
In the morning the anxious parents are waiting in the living room with a smug grin on their faces when the kid bursts through the door, "what's wrong?" asked the parents "didn't santa leave you any presents?" giggled the parents, the little lad shouts " the fat cunt bought me a horse but the little bastard has fucked off!!"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
Forum Mod |
"Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Splash on some luke warm water."
Wife texts back: "computer completely buggered now."
 "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Splash on some luke warm water."
Wife texts back: "computer completely buggered now."
"
Love that! |
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My wife promised me anal sex in return for getting our Xmas decorations done.
So I bent her over and did the business.
She then said, "can we get the tree up now?" I said, "I struggled to get my cock in but I'll give it a go." |
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Last Christmas eve I was sitting opposite the wife on the sofa when I asked,
"What am I getting for Christmas?"
She winked, hitched up her skirt to reveal her big bushy fanny and replied "This"
I was gutted in the morning when I opened my box of pubes. |
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"A naughty boy goes to see santa and jumps on his knee and says 'listen you fat bastard I want a bike, a new play station and a shit load of games and if I don't get em I'll kick you in the balls and poison Rudolph!'
Santa is very shocked and the kids parents are cringing at what he has said to the old fella playing Santa.
"we're very sorry for his behaviour and language, we just can't seem to stop him being naughty" says the parents.
Santa tells the little lad to and pick a pressie from one of the helpers and whispers to the parents "on christmas eve stuff his stocking with something nasty and that'll cure him"
So on christmas eve the parents tiptoe into the kids bedroom and stuff his stocking with horse poo and leave a trail of it leading to the christmas tree instead of the usual presents the leave.
In the morning the anxious parents are waiting in the living room with a smug grin on their faces when the kid bursts through the door, "what's wrong?" asked the parents "didn't santa leave you any presents?" giggled the parents, the little lad shouts " the fat cunt bought me a horse but the little bastard has fucked off!!" haha thats brilliant fair play
"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A woman goes to a tattoo shop & asks the guy to tattoo Christmas on one thigh & New year on the other. The guy did it & took the money, but as she left he said 'Do you mind if I ask why you wanted that?' She said 'I'm sick of my husband moaning theres nothing to eat in between Christmas & New year!' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Does Santa really live in the North Pole? Let's have a look at the evidence.. 1) He's fat 2) Good at breaking into houses 3) Has loads of electrical goods that nobody can trace 4) drives an unlicensed vehicle 5) Only works one day a year - he's a fucking scouser! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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" Does Santa really live in the North Pole? Let's have a look at the evidence.. 1) He's fat 2) Good at breaking into houses 3) Has loads of electrical goods that nobody can trace 4) drives an unlicensed vehicle 5) Only works one day a year - he's a fucking scouser!"
{Chuckles} |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
I only know Cracker jokes at Christmas 
What's purple and shouts for help?
A damson in distress.
Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turky - he's always stuffed.
What happened at the cannibals' wedding party?
They toasted the bride and groom. |
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By *B9 QueenWoman
over a year ago
Over the rainbow, under the bridge |
An elderly man calls his son and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up the phone.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls immediately, and screams at the old man. "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own fares. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two snowmen chatting ..... one says to the other "can you smell carrots?"
Yeah-yeah.... I know you've herad it before, but come-on..... its proper christmas cracker of a joke ain't it.....
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By *enithWoman
over a year ago
closer than you think |
A Young man called Tony wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away.
He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Tony got the knickers.
Good old Tony sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:
Dear Kate,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love
Tony.
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing. |
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Went to my firms Xmas party last night and had a great time. The DJ played
"The Twist" so I energetically twisted.
Then he played "Jump" so I jumped all over the dance floor.
Then he played "Cum on Eileen,"
I was asked to leave after that.....
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By *enithWoman
over a year ago
closer than you think |
" Went to my firms Xmas party last night and had a great time. The DJ played
"The Twist" so I energetically twisted.
Then he played "Jump" so I jumped all over the dance floor.
Then he played "Cum on Eileen,"
I was asked to leave after that.....
"
Haha ..... big belly laugh here!! |
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My Dads pissed, Mum's black and blue, my sister's fighting with her boyfriend,
Special Brew tins everywhere, there's tons of Aldi shit in the kitchen and I'm wanking over porn in the darkened bedroom.
I thought, "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It is Christmas Eve in Newport and snow is falling, A sad broken middle aged man is on the multistory carpark top floor by the kingsway centre about to jump off. His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and he owes thousands of pounds to the bank. Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder. "Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas.
The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump.
"Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will grant me a small favour in return!"
"Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!!.....Thank you, thank you!"
Father Christmas promises him that:
1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.
2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.
3. You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand pounds in credit, you will have no outstanding bills.
"Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man.
"What can i do to repay you?"
"Well", says father christmas, "there are no women in the north pole and i havent had a hole for a long long time so Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over. After a quite brutal ass fucking, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is? "36" replies the man. "really?" santa, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't you!"?
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Date: 24-DEC-2012
Time: 12:48 PM
Type: Santa SuperSleigh 100F
Operator: Private, dba Santa Claus
Registration: NP-001
C/n / msn: SS100-01
Fatalities: Fatalities: 0 / Occupants: 1
Other fatalities: 0
Airplane damage: Minor
Location: North Pole Cargoport Airfield - North Pole
Phase: Take off
Nature: Cargo
Departure airport: North Pole Cargoport Airfield
Destination airport: Tonga
Narrative:
A reindeer-powered experimental Santa SuperSleigh 100F, sustained minor damage when it veered off the left side of runway 36 during its takeoff at the North Pole Cargoport Airfield, North Pole, and struck runway lights. The instrument rated captain was not injured. The airplane was registered to and operated by a private individual dba Santa Claus as a nonscheduled international cargo flight. Instrument meteorological conditions prevailed at the time of the accident, with snowfall.
The pilot reported that there was snow and ice on the runway. He reported that a strong crosswind gust forced the experimental airplane to veer off the left side of the runway where the it struck runway lights. The pilot managed to get the SuperSleigh back on the runway and stop.
A postaccident inspection of the airplane revealed minor damage and the flight was able to continue after repairs. Observers questioned the weight and balance data reported by the pilot who said "his wife and the elves" had prepared the manifest for him and that he had not personally verified the calculations.
Sources:
Had the left reindeer been properly fed, deiced, and heated?
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All employees planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public.
This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers.
Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.
The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Following last year’s well-publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct
gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.
Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
Forum Mod |
After the disappointment of Asda turkeys for two years and then being let down by an Aldi 4 bird roast last year, I've found what could be the perfect thing for this year's Christmas dinner
A Lidl donkey |
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"After the disappointment of Asda turkeys for two years and then being let down by an Aldi 4 bird roast last year, I've found what could be the perfect thing for this year's Christmas dinner
A Lidl donkey"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"After the disappointment of Asda turkeys for two years and then being let down by an Aldi 4 bird roast last year, I've found what could be the perfect thing for this year's Christmas dinner
A Lidl donkey"
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It was Christmas eve, a couple doing last minute shopping when her husband disappeared, she phoned him on his mobile, where are you, in a calm voice, he replied, darling remember the jewellery shop we went in five years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace, we could not afford,
and I said one day I would get it for you, her eyes filled with tears, yes I remember, she said.
Well I'm in the pub next door to that. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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98 years ago today, the Germans & British troops brought a temporary ceasefire to the Great War and had a game of football out on no-man's land.
The fighting resumed when somebody was killed after being hit on the head with the football. |
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