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Introducing non-monogamy
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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How do you bring it up? Or mention on a profile here or elsewhere? I think I have ballsed things up more than once and maybe scared guys off.
I don't think I am a swinger although I'd be interested in a Hotwife or Stag/Vixen scenario with a partner. Or an open relationship. How the heck do I introduce that? How do introduce it ? |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
I’ve not even tried to date someone in the vanilla world in a long time.
I’m not sure how to bring up being a bisexual guy with a non monogamous lifestyle to someone who has hang ups about me being divorced!
Early I would think, get it out the way so they can process before anyone becomes invested |
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I bring this up early on.
It’s tricksy and I’ve had lots of different reactions but it’s better than bringing it up much later and it all going to shit.
I tell them that ideally I would be in a relationship that practices ENM. I’m not interested in poly dynamics I don’t think, but I like the freedom of being able to meet others with the ok from someone I might be seeing. Anyway, it’s never panned out. I’ve found that people aren’t really into it, in the main.
I hope your luck is much better than mine xx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"If it's a must have, then either on your profile or on a first date.
But if you don't already have a partner, I would always find it a bit of a strange claim "
Well it's a heads up. Being clear about what I want. I have put it on my profile and mentioned it and a few guys have said yeah sounds great. But down the line they freak out... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I would assume on hear most are after that or in less they sed differently
For other places probably a chat would be best
Find being up front the best way |
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"If it's a must have, then either on your profile or on a first date.
But if you don't already have a partner, I would always find it a bit of a strange claim
Well it's a heads up. Being clear about what I want. I have put it on my profile and mentioned it and a few guys have said yeah sounds great. But down the line they freak out..."
You're of the generation where it's very far from the norm |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"If it's a must have, then either on your profile or on a first date.
But if you don't already have a partner, I would always find it a bit of a strange claim
Well it's a heads up. Being clear about what I want. I have put it on my profile and mentioned it and a few guys have said yeah sounds great. But down the line they freak out...
You're of the generation where it's very far from the norm"
I don't date my age though. Usually 10 years younger +. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Just be open and say it, these days it's more mainstream than you think"
I think men like the idea in theory but problems with it in reality - in my experience. |
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"If it's a must have, then either on your profile or on a first date.
But if you don't already have a partner, I would always find it a bit of a strange claim
Well it's a heads up. Being clear about what I want. I have put it on my profile and mentioned it and a few guys have said yeah sounds great. But down the line they freak out...
You're of the generation where it's very far from the norm
I don't date my age though. Usually 10 years younger +."
Even then, I don’t think it would be their norm either, so probably gonna be difficult to find at least 2 men on the same page as you |
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I've always just been up front from the start whether that's on here or Tinder etc. I have come across guys that say they are okay with it then turns out they aren't. Not much to do at that point except shut it down and move on, better to find out earlier on if that's the case.
Px |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"‘Interested in ENM’ or ‘looking for a partner to explore a ENM relationship set up with’ in your bio? "
I used to have what I’m looking for in my bio, back when I could stand actively looking for people on here. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I’ve not even tried to date someone in the vanilla world in a long time.
I’m not sure how to bring up being a bisexual guy with a non monogamous lifestyle to someone who has hang ups about me being divorced!
Early I would think, get it out the way so they can process before anyone becomes invested"
I do it early. Always. But I think I must word things badly. Why is being divorced a problem?  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I bring this up early on.
It’s tricksy and I’ve had lots of different reactions but it’s better than bringing it up much later and it all going to shit.
I tell them that ideally I would be in a relationship that practices ENM. I’m not interested in poly dynamics I don’t think, but I like the freedom of being able to meet others with the ok from someone I might be seeing. Anyway, it’s never panned out. I’ve found that people aren’t really into it, in the main.
I hope your luck is much better than mine xx"
Well I think we are having the same luck and perhaps it's just that many people just aren't into it yet. I was thinking it's how I've worded it? I'd like to be able to say that I can be loyal to someone and they'd be important to me but that I just would like to be able to shag other men occasionally. Why it is so hard?! Thank you, I wish you much luck too! X |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Polyamory, talk about it early on 
I don't think I'm Poly. Argh.
Oh, you mean have one actual partner but then have more without being in a relationship with the others?"
Open Relationship sounds good. Or something more structured. But I don't know until I meet someone and I think I'm just too vague.  |
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"Oh, you mean have one actual partner but then have more without being in a relationship with the others?
Open Relationship sounds good. Or something more structured. But I don't know until I meet someone and I think I'm just too vague. "
Swinging then? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Oh, you mean have one actual partner but then have more without being in a relationship with the others?
Open Relationship sounds good. Or something more structured. But I don't know until I meet someone and I think I'm just too vague.
Swinging then?"
Maybe. I haven't done any so I don't know. I think it must be off putting for a guy to ask "what do you want" and a woman says "er well, Im flexible but can I shag other men please?"  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Meet someone off here then they already know you're an outright pervert - worked for me
Mr"
And that's worked out beautifully for you two!  I am not getting anywhere here. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Are you certain that you want ENM, or is it more a case of keeping options open?
Understanding what it is you want and why, can help you in communicating your needs to others."
Yes. I spent some time researching poly to see how I felt about that. Joined a group. But it didn't resonate with me. I've lived with a very inflexible LTR for many years and I want to have the freedom to follow connections. But perhaps that means I won't have anyone.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think it needs to be on your profile from the start, out and in the open for all to see.
However many will talk the talk and say they are OK with it but in reality they really are not. I encountered that countless times.
The jealousy or possession comes out, they start trying to set rules (no new partners but existing are OK is the default one) or you get comments that come across like digs, or they fire back with something about who they are talking to that's so much better. It's almost textbook.
Imo guys like having a woman to themselves so they know that when they want to see you you're going to say yes to them. If you're already busy seeing someone else when they've asked to see you they'll often take it as a rejection.
Maybe women are the same, I wouldn't know.
PW |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Are you certain that you want ENM, or is it more a case of keeping options open?
Understanding what it is you want and why, can help you in communicating your needs to others.
Yes. I spent some time researching poly to see how I felt about that. Joined a group. But it didn't resonate with me. I've lived with a very inflexible LTR for many years and I want to have the freedom to follow connections. But perhaps that means I won't have anyone. "
Is it not poly to seek connections with lots of people? Can have hierarchical poly set ups or can have more anarchist ones? I think that’s like solo poly. One thing I’ve learned about being poly is that it can be mostly whatever you want it to be |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"How do you bring it up? Or mention on a profile here or elsewhere? I think I have ballsed things up more than once and maybe scared guys off.
I don't think I am a swinger although I'd be interested in a Hotwife or Stag/Vixen scenario with a partner. Or an open relationship. How the heck do I introduce that? How do introduce it ?"
Think you just kinda need to say it. I know I do in terms of my kinks. Definitely not gonna work for me trying to find a vanilla or submissive man. I know what I need and sounds like you have a pretty good idea what turns you on so just be honest |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Say it early and say it clear.
Presumably you’re dating intelligent adults.
If you want that and they can’t handle it then they’re not for you so why beat around the bush? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I think it needs to be on your profile from the start, out and in the open for all to see.
However many will talk the talk and say they are OK with it but in reality they really are not. I encountered that countless times.
The jealousy or possession comes out, they start trying to set rules (no new partners but existing are OK is the default one) or you get comments that come across like digs, or they fire back with something about who they are talking to that's so much better. It's almost textbook.
Imo guys like having a woman to themselves so they know that when they want to see you you're going to say yes to them. If you're already busy seeing someone else when they've asked to see you they'll often take it as a rejection.
Maybe women are the same, I wouldn't know.
PW "
Me personally - no, I don't get jealous or possessive (so far, never say never!). That's the impression I've had from the men I've spoken to. I have been thinking I wasn't clear enough. But maybe it's just not what they want to hear. Particularly the dominant types. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think it needs to be on your profile from the start, out and in the open for all to see.
However many will talk the talk and say they are OK with it but in reality they really are not. I encountered that countless times.
The jealousy or possession comes out, they start trying to set rules (no new partners but existing are OK is the default one) or you get comments that come across like digs, or they fire back with something about who they are talking to that's so much better. It's almost textbook.
Imo guys like having a woman to themselves so they know that when they want to see you you're going to say yes to them. If you're already busy seeing someone else when they've asked to see you they'll often take it as a rejection.
Maybe women are the same, I wouldn't know.
PW
Me personally - no, I don't get jealous or possessive (so far, never say never!). That's the impression I've had from the men I've spoken to. I have been thinking I wasn't clear enough. But maybe it's just not what they want to hear. Particularly the dominant types. "
Me dom,(beats chest) you don't need anyone else!
And when you don't do as you're told.. Well, then you get the you're not a submissive comment.
PW |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Are you certain that you want ENM, or is it more a case of keeping options open?
Understanding what it is you want and why, can help you in communicating your needs to others.
Yes. I spent some time researching poly to see how I felt about that. Joined a group. But it didn't resonate with me. I've lived with a very inflexible LTR for many years and I want to have the freedom to follow connections. But perhaps that means I won't have anyone. "
It sounds like we are in a similar situation. I was in a monogamous marraige for 20 years and when it finished I felt I was done with that.
Im happy to connect with men here and if theres a click would see where it goes but if there is a special connection id always be clear that I dont want to be monogamous again.
One FWB I had wanted more and decided to leave Fab and look for a committed relationship elsewhere.
Another is happy to let me 'do my own thing' as well as have a very special relationship with him.
It takes time to find someone you really connect with, who can accept you as you are. But if you know what you want, keep going for it
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Bring it up to who?
Men I start chatting to here and on other apps"
I’d see it as a massive red Flag if you chat to a guy on here - a SWINGING Site - and he’s going to challenge your choice to enjoy spending time with other people. It will tell you a massive amount about his attitude/views if he’s prepared to do that straight away, and that’ll give you some clues as to how he is likely to treat you in the future. Use it like an unsolicited dock pic filter - men taking exception to this view should be avoided, as you’re clearly not compatible.
I think someone will already have suggested it, but perhaps indicate on your profile that you’re interested in ethical non monogamy and having a circle of friends that you meet also ? I mean, we shouldn’t have to, what with this being a swinging site and it being pretty obvious (?!) but perhaps it’ll keep controlling/selfish non-swinging types away from your door
Good luck, OP abd lovely boobs  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I would say to start with chatting about fantasies. Raise the issue but don’t push it. You may be surprised at the results.
Also, be prepared to accept and try your partner’s fantasies not just your own.
I raised the issue of wanting to watch her get fucked by a hung guy. A few weeks later she said, ‘let’s try’ |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I suspect its a lot easier for women to bring up the subject than men. (based on personal experience when i've brought the subject up its always been dismissed, Two women dumped me because I even suggested it!) |
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"Oh, you mean have one actual partner but then have more without being in a relationship with the others?
Open Relationship sounds good. Or something more structured. But I don't know until I meet someone and I think I'm just too vague.
Swinging then?
Maybe. I haven't done any so I don't know. I think it must be off putting for a guy to ask "what do you want" and a woman says "er well, Im flexible but can I shag other men please?" "
That doesn't sound vague at all, that's a great line! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I encouraged my wife to find girls or a couple to play with and she did. We went to meet a couple and then went to a club. The wife of the couple took me for a drink whilst leaving the other two to it. We had drinks and chatted and then went back to meet them. Ended up back at ours and it was super hot explaining to all 3 of them what I love and it’s seeing my wife (the only woman I love) really get intimate with another couple. They now see her as their 3rd and buy her gifts. It’s super hot and something I thought I’d only dream of. I’m also allowed to meet people and do as I want so it works perfectly.
The reclaim sex is fucking hot though |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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And as soon as I start to think of the word for what we have and what they have I get lost plus the wife doesn’t like the labels. She wants to just go with the flow and not worry about being lesbian/bi/straight or anything.
Out of interest what is the term called? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I think it needs to be on your profile from the start, out and in the open for all to see.
However many will talk the talk and say they are OK with it but in reality they really are not. I encountered that countless times.
The jealousy or possession comes out, they start trying to set rules (no new partners but existing are OK is the default one) or you get comments that come across like digs, or they fire back with something about who they are talking to that's so much better. It's almost textbook.
Imo guys like having a woman to themselves so they know that when they want to see you you're going to say yes to them. If you're already busy seeing someone else when they've asked to see you they'll often take it as a rejection.
Maybe women are the same, I wouldn't know.
PW
Me personally - no, I don't get jealous or possessive (so far, never say never!). That's the impression I've had from the men I've spoken to. I have been thinking I wasn't clear enough. But maybe it's just not what they want to hear. Particularly the dominant types.
Me dom,(beats chest) you don't need anyone else!
And when you don't do as you're told.. Well, then you get the you're not a submissive comment.
PW "
Yup! Encounter that a lot! I've turned off my FL profile. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Oh, you mean have one actual partner but then have more without being in a relationship with the others?
Open Relationship sounds good. Or something more structured. But I don't know until I meet someone and I think I'm just too vague.
Swinging then?
Maybe. I haven't done any so I don't know. I think it must be off putting for a guy to ask "what do you want" and a woman says "er well, Im flexible but can I shag other men please?"
That doesn't sound vague at all, that's a great line! "
I'm too embarrassed to use it though! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Are you certain that you want ENM, or is it more a case of keeping options open?
Understanding what it is you want and why, can help you in communicating your needs to others.
Yes. I spent some time researching poly to see how I felt about that. Joined a group. But it didn't resonate with me. I've lived with a very inflexible LTR for many years and I want to have the freedom to follow connections. But perhaps that means I won't have anyone.
It sounds like we are in a similar situation. I was in a monogamous marraige for 20 years and when it finished I felt I was done with that.
Im happy to connect with men here and if theres a click would see where it goes but if there is a special connection id always be clear that I dont want to be monogamous again.
One FWB I had wanted more and decided to leave Fab and look for a committed relationship elsewhere.
Another is happy to let me 'do my own thing' as well as have a very special relationship with him.
It takes time to find someone you really connect with, who can accept you as you are. But if you know what you want, keep going for it
"
That sounds pretty good. I do want something special. I'm open to "feelings" and not afraid of commitment. It's just that men seem to interpret what I say as "she will fuck anything". Sigh. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Are you certain that you want ENM, or is it more a case of keeping options open?
Understanding what it is you want and why, can help you in communicating your needs to others.
Yes. I spent some time researching poly to see how I felt about that. Joined a group. But it didn't resonate with me. I've lived with a very inflexible LTR for many years and I want to have the freedom to follow connections. But perhaps that means I won't have anyone.
Is it not poly to seek connections with lots of people? Can have hierarchical poly set ups or can have more anarchist ones? I think that’s like solo poly. One thing I’ve learned about being poly is that it can be mostly whatever you want it to be"
Poly means many loves. I just don't see myself loving more than one person even if I have connections with others. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Are you certain that you want ENM, or is it more a case of keeping options open?
Understanding what it is you want and why, can help you in communicating your needs to others.
Yes. I spent some time researching poly to see how I felt about that. Joined a group. But it didn't resonate with me. I've lived with a very inflexible LTR for many years and I want to have the freedom to follow connections. But perhaps that means I won't have anyone.
It sounds like we are in a similar situation. I was in a monogamous marraige for 20 years and when it finished I felt I was done with that.
Im happy to connect with men here and if theres a click would see where it goes but if there is a special connection id always be clear that I dont want to be monogamous again.
One FWB I had wanted more and decided to leave Fab and look for a committed relationship elsewhere.
Another is happy to let me 'do my own thing' as well as have a very special relationship with him.
It takes time to find someone you really connect with, who can accept you as you are. But if you know what you want, keep going for it
That sounds pretty good. I do want something special. I'm open to "feelings" and not afraid of commitment. It's just that men seem to interpret what I say as "she will fuck anything". Sigh. "
Then they are being dicks and arent the right guys. As another poster said if a guy you meet on here, a swinger site!, has a problem with you fucking other guys he's the one with the issues.
Im not saying its easy, but they should be able to acknowledge it as their issue to deal with if they want to be with you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Are you certain that you want ENM, or is it more a case of keeping options open?
Understanding what it is you want and why, can help you in communicating your needs to others.
Yes. I spent some time researching poly to see how I felt about that. Joined a group. But it didn't resonate with me. I've lived with a very inflexible LTR for many years and I want to have the freedom to follow connections. But perhaps that means I won't have anyone.
It sounds like we are in a similar situation. I was in a monogamous marraige for 20 years and when it finished I felt I was done with that.
Im happy to connect with men here and if theres a click would see where it goes but if there is a special connection id always be clear that I dont want to be monogamous again.
One FWB I had wanted more and decided to leave Fab and look for a committed relationship elsewhere.
Another is happy to let me 'do my own thing' as well as have a very special relationship with him.
It takes time to find someone you really connect with, who can accept you as you are. But if you know what you want, keep going for it
That sounds pretty good. I do want something special. I'm open to "feelings" and not afraid of commitment. It's just that men seem to interpret what I say as "she will fuck anything". Sigh.
Then they are being dicks and arent the right guys. As another poster said if a guy you meet on here, a swinger site!, has a problem with you fucking other guys he's the one with the issues.
Im not saying its easy, but they should be able to acknowledge it as their issue to deal with if they want to be with you. "
Did you just call me a pin-up poster boy?  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Bring it up to who?
Men I start chatting to here and on other apps
I’d see it as a massive red Flag if you chat to a guy on here - a SWINGING Site - and he’s going to challenge your choice to enjoy spending time with other people. It will tell you a massive amount about his attitude/views if he’s prepared to do that straight away, and that’ll give you some clues as to how he is likely to treat you in the future. Use it like an unsolicited dock pic filter - men taking exception to this view should be avoided, as you’re clearly not compatible.
I think someone will already have suggested it, but perhaps indicate on your profile that you’re interested in ethical non monogamy and having a circle of friends that you meet also ? I mean, we shouldn’t have to, what with this being a swinging site and it being pretty obvious (?!) but perhaps it’ll keep controlling/selfish non-swinging types away from your door
Good luck, OP abd lovely boobs "
It's not just here. I'm not sure it's controlling - I think sometimes people think they can handle something and..it's not for them. That's reasonable |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I don't mention it on my profile as people claim to be it without actually being it.
All you can do is be clear and upfront with your likes and oneday you will find someone who matches you "
It's been quite a long time, that's all. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I suspect its a lot easier for women to bring up the subject than men. (based on personal experience when i've brought the subject up its always been dismissed, Two women dumped me because I even suggested it!)"
Why should they stay with a man they're not compatible with? |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
Where would you like me? |
I've been thinking about this a lot OP and it's not an easy one *to* necessarily bring up is it?
I really don't think that just because someone is on a swingers site there is one "true" way of behaving - that's bollocks to put it mildly. We're all different, process and handle things differently.
I think the best thing is to be upfront. You must get the... "so what are you looking for?" questions? Maybe say you're looking to explore a dynamic while remaining open to seeing others.
Or if not, put it in your bio. You can't assess if someone is cool with something until you've both experienced it. What I would say is give it time and patience, see how things go. I'm a great believer in settling the foundations before opening a relationship if that makes sense? And always - honest and open communication with a huge heap of listening.
I think that possibly my generation may be more open to it than others. I'm not sure. People around my age seem to get *it* more, older seem to either be controlling, convinced I'm going to fall in love with them because I fancy a fuck and I'm poly. The two clearly can't be separate.
What a waffle. |
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"I suspect its a lot easier for women to bring up the subject than men. (based on personal experience when i've brought the subject up its always been dismissed, Two women dumped me because I even suggested it!)
Why should they stay with a man they're not compatible with? "
Indeed. The exact same question could be asked of the OP also but I note your silence on that subject....
Mr |
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"I don't mention it on my profile as people claim to be it without actually being it.
All you can do is be clear and upfront with your likes and oneday you will find someone who matches you
It's been quite a long time, that's all. "
I know honey, but he will come along, when you least expect it they pop into your life xxx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I suspect its a lot easier for women to bring up the subject than men. (based on personal experience when i've brought the subject up its always been dismissed, Two women dumped me because I even suggested it!)
Why should they stay with a man they're not compatible with?
Indeed. The exact same question could be asked of the OP also but I note your silence on that subject....
Mr"
Did you read the OP?
Fw |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I've been thinking about this a lot OP and it's not an easy one *to* necessarily bring up is it?
I really don't think that just because someone is on a swingers site there is one "true" way of behaving - that's bollocks to put it mildly. We're all different, process and handle things differently.
I think the best thing is to be upfront. You must get the... "so what are you looking for?" questions? Maybe say you're looking to explore a dynamic while remaining open to seeing others.
Or if not, put it in your bio. You can't assess if someone is cool with something until you've both experienced it. What I would say is give it time and patience, see how things go. I'm a great believer in settling the foundations before opening a relationship if that makes sense? And always - honest and open communication with a huge heap of listening.
I think that possibly my generation may be more open to it than others. I'm not sure. People around my age seem to get *it* more, older seem to either be controlling, convinced I'm going to fall in love with them because I fancy a fuck and I'm poly. The two clearly can't be separate.
What a waffle. "
Wafflequeen 
Yes I think you're right about my age group. I mostly get on with younger men and have only ever been with one older guy. It was a much younger man who introduced non-monogamy to me! I think maybe I need to try different language to make what I want clearer.
You're absolutely right that the foundations need to be there. I think I fucked it up with someone I really liked last year because I didn't learn that lesson. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I don't mention it on my profile as people claim to be it without actually being it.
All you can do is be clear and upfront with your likes and oneday you will find someone who matches you
It's been quite a long time, that's all.
I know honey, but he will come along, when you least expect it they pop into your life xxx"
I shall just distract myself and hope that happens xx |
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"I suspect its a lot easier for women to bring up the subject than men. (based on personal experience when i've brought the subject up its always been dismissed, Two women dumped me because I even suggested it!)
Why should they stay with a man they're not compatible with?
Indeed. The exact same question could be asked of the OP also but I note your silence on that subject....
Mr
Did you read the OP?
Fw"
Yep. Message you replied to - "two women dumped me because I suggested it"
OP - "I think I've ballsed things up now than once and maybe scared guys off"
Mr |
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I've just read all of the other replies, OP, and I tend to agree with you that being vague might be part of the problem.
You seem clear about what you *don't* want (e.g. polyamory), but not as clear on what you *do* want. I guess that some guys could struggle with that, as they may be unclear what they're actually signing up for.
In an early conversation with Alice (before we met), I said something as blunt as, "I don't ever imagine being in a monogamous relationship again."
The book, 'Designer Relationships' might give you good for thought. Also, the concept of being 'monogamish' might be a good pla e to start.
You could even suggest they watch the Netflix episode called something like 'Explained: Monogamy.'
There are dating apps explicitly for ENM, threesomes, etc. but I imagine it'll get flagged if I mention it here. Also, OK Cupid tends to be more suited to ENM than some of the other sites.
Good luck! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Just be open and say it, these days it's more mainstream than you think
I think men like the idea in theory but problems with it in reality - in my experience. "
Some men do. Some men don’t. Like most things. Insecurities and jealousy may preclude it for some. Other may be more enlightened and able to separate or compartmentalise thing better. (Mr) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I suspect its a lot easier for women to bring up the subject than men. (based on personal experience when i've brought the subject up its always been dismissed, Two women dumped me because I even suggested it!)
Why should they stay with a man they're not compatible with?
Indeed. The exact same question could be asked of the OP also but I note your silence on that subject....
Mr
Did you read the OP?
Fw
Yep. Message you replied to - "two women dumped me because I suggested it"
OP - "I think I've ballsed things up now than once and maybe scared guys off"
Mr"
Should I reply to every single post? Apologies.
Sc |
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I think you need to be incredibly blunt from the start and realise and accept most men aren’t going to be into that. Even if they say they are, most actually aren’t. It’s one of those things that sounds great in theory (we both get to shag other people) until the reality hits (your getting way more then opportunities then he does) and it suddenly isn’t cool anymore
Last thing you want is someone that pretends it’s ok and comes to resent you for it
As usual, being very forward, honest and blunt about what you want is best |
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"I suspect its a lot easier for women to bring up the subject than men. (based on personal experience when i've brought the subject up its always been dismissed, Two women dumped me because I even suggested it!)
Why should they stay with a man they're not compatible with?
Indeed. The exact same question could be asked of the OP also but I note your silence on that subject....
Mr
Did you read the OP?
Fw
Yep. Message you replied to - "two women dumped me because I suggested it"
OP - "I think I've ballsed things up now than once and maybe scared guys off"
Mr
Should I reply to every single post? Apologies.
Sc"
Accepted
Mr |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I suspect its a lot easier for women to bring up the subject than men. (based on personal experience when i've brought the subject up its always been dismissed, Two women dumped me because I even suggested it!)
Why should they stay with a man they're not compatible with?
Indeed. The exact same question could be asked of the OP also but I note your silence on that subject....
Mr
Did you read the OP?
Fw
Yep. Message you replied to - "two women dumped me because I suggested it"
OP - "I think I've ballsed things up now than once and maybe scared guys off"
Mr
Should I reply to every single post? Apologies.
Sc
Accepted
Mr"
|
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"I think you need to be incredibly blunt from the start and realise and accept most men aren’t going to be into that. Even if they say they are, most actually aren’t. It’s one of those things that sounds great in theory (we both get to shag other people) until the reality hits (your getting way more then opportunities then he does) and it suddenly isn’t cool anymore
Last thing you want is someone that pretends it’s ok and comes to resent you for it
As usual, being very forward, honest and blunt about what you want is best "
This is incredibly common |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Be confident and upfront about that. You will be surprised how many guys like that. If I were you, I would be it on my profile and attract the guys you are looking for instead of attracting the wrong ones and putting them off later. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I suspect its a lot easier for women to bring up the subject than men. (based on personal experience when i've brought the subject up its always been dismissed, Two women dumped me because I even suggested it!)
Why should they stay with a man they're not compatible with?
Indeed. The exact same question could be asked of the OP also but I note your silence on that subject....
Mr
Did you read the OP?
Fw
Yep. Message you replied to - "two women dumped me because I suggested it"
OP - "I think I've ballsed things up now than once and maybe scared guys off"
Mr"
I'm not quite sure what the argument is here but I have said at the outset with any man I've dated that I am not monogamous. They knew from the start. And accepted it. I think the mistake was possibly introducing the topic before the relationship was sufficiently established. Or it could be that they were lying to me or themselves. I don't know. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I think you need to be incredibly blunt from the start and realise and accept most men aren’t going to be into that. Even if they say they are, most actually aren’t. It’s one of those things that sounds great in theory (we both get to shag other people) until the reality hits (your getting way more then opportunities then he does) and it suddenly isn’t cool anymore
Last thing you want is someone that pretends it’s ok and comes to resent you for it
As usual, being very forward, honest and blunt about what you want is best "
I am very honest about being non-monogamous. I don't just stick it on a profile and never mention it. (I am rewriting my profile here). And yet still men say it's ok and then later have problems. This thread has made me realise I am not the problem. If a man wants to pretend it's ok and lie to me - that's not my fault. |
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"I think you need to be incredibly blunt from the start and realise and accept most men aren’t going to be into that. Even if they say they are, most actually aren’t. It’s one of those things that sounds great in theory (we both get to shag other people) until the reality hits (your getting way more then opportunities then he does) and it suddenly isn’t cool anymore
Last thing you want is someone that pretends it’s ok and comes to resent you for it
As usual, being very forward, honest and blunt about what you want is best
I am very honest about being non-monogamous. I don't just stick it on a profile and never mention it. (I am rewriting my profile here). And yet still men say it's ok and then later have problems. This thread has made me realise I am not the problem. If a man wants to pretend it's ok and lie to me - that's not my fault."
Your absolutely not the problem. Many men think they’re ok with it until the reality hits.
I think an interesting question to ask early is “what does this mean to you?”
This is gonna give you an insight into whether they’ve fully taken on what it means. Do they grasp how it works? Do they think it’s just gonna be lots of FFM orgies you organise? Or have they realised it’s gonna be a lot of the usual struggles men have getting meets while you sort through a full inbox? Are they ok with that? Are they going to get jealous?
I think a lot of guys hear what your saying and imagine you bringing over endless couples and hot women for him to enjoy.
Very few realise it’s means a lot of sitting at home wanking while your out enjoying yourself. They need to be ok with that at a minimum, and ideally, they need to be turned on at the idea. Not resentful of it
Good luck, and as I said, I don’t think any of your outcomes are your fault. It’s almost always gonna be the guy thinking he’s ok with the fantasy he’s made up in his head, and struggling to accept the reality |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I think you need to be incredibly blunt from the start and realise and accept most men aren’t going to be into that. Even if they say they are, most actually aren’t. It’s one of those things that sounds great in theory (we both get to shag other people) until the reality hits (your getting way more then opportunities then he does) and it suddenly isn’t cool anymore
Last thing you want is someone that pretends it’s ok and comes to resent you for it
As usual, being very forward, honest and blunt about what you want is best
I am very honest about being non-monogamous. I don't just stick it on a profile and never mention it. (I am rewriting my profile here). And yet still men say it's ok and then later have problems. This thread has made me realise I am not the problem. If a man wants to pretend it's ok and lie to me - that's not my fault.
Your absolutely not the problem. Many men think they’re ok with it until the reality hits.
I think an interesting question to ask early is “what does this mean to you?”
This is gonna give you an insight into whether they’ve fully taken on what it means. Do they grasp how it works? Do they think it’s just gonna be lots of FFM orgies you organise? Or have they realised it’s gonna be a lot of the usual struggles men have getting meets while you sort through a full inbox? Are they ok with that? Are they going to get jealous?
I think a lot of guys hear what your saying and imagine you bringing over endless couples and hot women for him to enjoy.
Very few realise it’s means a lot of sitting at home wanking while your out enjoying yourself. They need to be ok with that at a minimum, and ideally, they need to be turned on at the idea. Not resentful of it
Good luck, and as I said, I don’t think any of your outcomes are your fault. It’s almost always gonna be the guy thinking he’s ok with the fantasy he’s made up in his head, and struggling to accept the reality "
That's a really good point. I haven't discussed things at that level nor had I considered that's how some men might think about it. And I would not want someone I cared about to be sat home feeling sorry for himself either. I guess I assumed he would feel the same way I did about things and that's a BIG assumption. Hmm. Thank you. |
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"I suspect its a lot easier for women to bring up the subject than men. (based on personal experience when i've brought the subject up its always been dismissed, Two women dumped me because I even suggested it!)
Why should they stay with a man they're not compatible with?
Indeed. The exact same question could be asked of the OP also but I note your silence on that subject....
Mr
Did you read the OP?
Fw
Yep. Message you replied to - "two women dumped me because I suggested it"
OP - "I think I've ballsed things up now than once and maybe scared guys off"
Mr"
It's definitely much much easier for women to be poly than guys based on our experiences. Most guys will be fine with it.
But majority of women I've meet are wanting exclusivity, despite it saying on my profile I'm poly. As soon as they find out you see other people its byeee.
Going back to the OP you're definitely being too vague. I've read all your replies here and I'm still not sure what exactly you want. |
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Hypothetical here...suppose you meet a guy (that you haven't mentioned ENM to)and the 2 of you start building a relationship that you both really enjoy, then you bring it up further down the line and it's not for him. Would you end it? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I suspect its a lot easier for women to bring up the subject than men. (based on personal experience when i've brought the subject up its always been dismissed, Two women dumped me because I even suggested it!)
Why should they stay with a man they're not compatible with?
Indeed. The exact same question could be asked of the OP also but I note your silence on that subject....
Mr
Did you read the OP?
Fw
Yep. Message you replied to - "two women dumped me because I suggested it"
OP - "I think I've ballsed things up now than once and maybe scared guys off"
Mr
It's definitely much much easier for women to be poly than guys based on our experiences. Most guys will be fine with it.
But majority of women I've meet are wanting exclusivity, despite it saying on my profile I'm poly. As soon as they find out you see other people its byeee.
Going back to the OP you're definitely being too vague. I've read all your replies here and I'm still not sure what exactly you want. "
Ok. I think I need to work on my elevator pitch! You're not the only one to say that. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Hypothetical here...suppose you meet a guy (that you haven't mentioned ENM to)and the 2 of you start building a relationship that you both really enjoy, then you bring it up further down the line and it's not for him. Would you end it?"
I would and always do mention that I am ENM so that just wouldn't happen. I know it's not something you embrace but it's important to me to have that freedom after 20 years of a controlling LTR. It's a mindset not about shagging as many guys as I can. |
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"Hypothetical here...suppose you meet a guy (that you haven't mentioned ENM to)and the 2 of you start building a relationship that you both really enjoy, then you bring it up further down the line and it's not for him. Would you end it?
I would and always do mention that I am ENM so that just wouldn't happen. I know it's not something you embrace but it's important to me to have that freedom after 20 years of a controlling LTR. It's a mindset not about shagging as many guys as I can. "
Huh? That wasn't what I was suggesting |
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"Hypothetical here...suppose you meet a guy (that you haven't mentioned ENM to)and the 2 of you start building a relationship that you both really enjoy, then you bring it up further down the line and it's not for him. Would you end it?"
You wouldn't do that though. The whole ethos of enm/poly is that you have good open communication so if you can't communicate that and lead someone on thinking you're monogamous you're definitely not doing ENM right |
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Perhaps it would be helpful to reflect (inwardly) on specific instances where this has affected your life
How many times have you been in the position of risking a relationship with one man to have sex with another
|
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"Hypothetical here...suppose you meet a guy (that you haven't mentioned ENM to)and the 2 of you start building a relationship that you both really enjoy, then you bring it up further down the line and it's not for him. Would you end it?
You wouldn't do that though. The whole ethos of enm/poly is that you have good open communication so if you can't communicate that and lead someone on thinking you're monogamous you're definitely not doing ENM right "
It all sounds so complex that I wonder that people ever actually get around to doing it at all |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hypothetical here...suppose you meet a guy (that you haven't mentioned ENM to)and the 2 of you start building a relationship that you both really enjoy, then you bring it up further down the line and it's not for him. Would you end it?
You wouldn't do that though. The whole ethos of enm/poly is that you have good open communication so if you can't communicate that and lead someone on thinking you're monogamous you're definitely not doing ENM right "
At what point in a new relationship would you bring up the topic?
Some people on Fab are monogamous. Some people want multiple FB's.
Some want ENM relationships.
Sone people meet new partners outside of Fab where ENM will not have been mentioned at all. |
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"Hypothetical here...suppose you meet a guy (that you haven't mentioned ENM to)and the 2 of you start building a relationship that you both really enjoy, then you bring it up further down the line and it's not for him. Would you end it?
You wouldn't do that though. The whole ethos of enm/poly is that you have good open communication so if you can't communicate that and lead someone on thinking you're monogamous you're definitely not doing ENM right
At what point in a new relationship would you bring up the topic?
Some people on Fab are monogamous. Some people want multiple FB's.
Some want ENM relationships.
Sone people meet new partners outside of Fab where ENM will not have been mentioned at all. "
I always mention it before any date takes place. That way it doesn't waste too much of anyones time if you're not compatible. Mr |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Hypothetical here...suppose you meet a guy (that you haven't mentioned ENM to)and the 2 of you start building a relationship that you both really enjoy, then you bring it up further down the line and it's not for him. Would you end it?
I would and always do mention that I am ENM so that just wouldn't happen. I know it's not something you embrace but it's important to me to have that freedom after 20 years of a controlling LTR. It's a mindset not about shagging as many guys as I can.
Huh? That wasn't what I was suggesting "
I was just trying to explain how I felt about it, not having a dig at you. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Hypothetical here...suppose you meet a guy (that you haven't mentioned ENM to)and the 2 of you start building a relationship that you both really enjoy, then you bring it up further down the line and it's not for him. Would you end it?
You wouldn't do that though. The whole ethos of enm/poly is that you have good open communication so if you can't communicate that and lead someone on thinking you're monogamous you're definitely not doing ENM right
It all sounds so complex that I wonder that people ever actually get around to doing it at all"
What's complex about being open and upfront with people? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"
What's complex about being open and upfront with people?
The emotionny peopley part of it!!!"
Depends on the people surely? Good connections give me energy |
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I (Luke) was lucky in this regard. I met Hannah online and she was in America and there was no expectation that we would ever even meet let alone get together.
We talked about our love lives and I made no secret of my non-monogamy and that being the way I wanted to remain. So when we did actually get together it was with full knowledge and that factored into whether she wanted to be together. She had had time to think about it and thought it had benefits and was able to say under what conditions she could see it working for us. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I (Luke) was lucky in this regard. I met Hannah online and she was in America and there was no expectation that we would ever even meet let alone get together.
We talked about our love lives and I made no secret of my non-monogamy and that being the way I wanted to remain. So when we did actually get together it was with full knowledge and that factored into whether she wanted to be together. She had had time to think about it and thought it had benefits and was able to say under what conditions she could see it working for us. "
It's quite nice to just chat as friends in that way - it's not such an issue is it? Much more relaxed. |
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"Has anyone become a Mormon just so they can indulge in polygamy??? Just curious! "
The "official" Mormon church no longer practises polygamy. Very few do.
And given the restraints a mormon life introduces, I'm not sure I'd choose it just for the polygamy. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I've rewritten my profile - if anyone who thought I was too vague had any comment?
It's much clearer now. Little room for doubt as to what you want "
Thank you |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I've rewritten my profile - if anyone who thought I was too vague had any comment? "
It looks good to me. Short enough and to the point, even for the one handed readers.
Hope you find someone.  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I've rewritten my profile - if anyone who thought I was too vague had any comment?
It looks good to me. Short enough and to the point, even for the one handed readers.
Hope you find someone. "
Thank you, lovely!  |
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If it's non-negotiable for you, experiment with making it clear from the start. Vary your approach and potentially introduce it as having benefits for all of you.
It will filter out those where it could be a deal breaker.
I'd explain an outlook/relationship style in practice, so that they understand your needs and how it would work in reality. |
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By *hilloutMan
over a year ago
All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest |
"I think you need to be incredibly blunt from the start and realise and accept most men aren’t going to be into that. Even if they say they are, most actually aren’t. It’s one of those things that sounds great in theory (we both get to shag other people) until the reality hits (your getting way more then opportunities then he does) and it suddenly isn’t cool anymore
Last thing you want is someone that pretends it’s ok and comes to resent you for it
As usual, being very forward, honest and blunt about what you want is best
I am very honest about being non-monogamous. I don't just stick it on a profile and never mention it. (I am rewriting my profile here). And yet still men say it's ok and then later have problems. This thread has made me realise I am not the problem. If a man wants to pretend it's ok and lie to me - that's not my fault.
Your absolutely not the problem. Many men think they’re ok with it until the reality hits.
I think an interesting question to ask early is “what does this mean to you?”
This is gonna give you an insight into whether they’ve fully taken on what it means. Do they grasp how it works? Do they think it’s just gonna be lots of FFM orgies you organise? Or have they realised it’s gonna be a lot of the usual struggles men have getting meets while you sort through a full inbox? Are they ok with that? Are they going to get jealous?
I think a lot of guys hear what your saying and imagine you bringing over endless couples and hot women for him to enjoy.
Very few realise it’s means a lot of sitting at home wanking while your out enjoying yourself. They need to be ok with that at a minimum, and ideally, they need to be turned on at the idea. Not resentful of it
Good luck, and as I said, I don’t think any of your outcomes are your fault. It’s almost always gonna be the guy thinking he’s ok with the fantasy he’s made up in his head, and struggling to accept the reality "
Absolutely spot on. This all comes back to the well established fab dynamic heavily skewered in favour of women for this type of arrangement. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"If it's non-negotiable for you, experiment with making it clear from the start. Vary your approach and potentially introduce it as having benefits for all of you.
It will filter out those where it could be a deal breaker.
I'd explain an outlook/relationship style in practice, so that they understand your needs and how it would work in reality. "
Giving a realistic example of what I might enjoy is a great idea. |
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|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I think you need to be incredibly blunt from the start and realise and accept most men aren’t going to be into that. Even if they say they are, most actually aren’t. It’s one of those things that sounds great in theory (we both get to shag other people) until the reality hits (your getting way more then opportunities then he does) and it suddenly isn’t cool anymore
Last thing you want is someone that pretends it’s ok and comes to resent you for it
As usual, being very forward, honest and blunt about what you want is best
I am very honest about being non-monogamous. I don't just stick it on a profile and never mention it. (I am rewriting my profile here). And yet still men say it's ok and then later have problems. This thread has made me realise I am not the problem. If a man wants to pretend it's ok and lie to me - that's not my fault.
Your absolutely not the problem. Many men think they’re ok with it until the reality hits.
I think an interesting question to ask early is “what does this mean to you?”
This is gonna give you an insight into whether they’ve fully taken on what it means. Do they grasp how it works? Do they think it’s just gonna be lots of FFM orgies you organise? Or have they realised it’s gonna be a lot of the usual struggles men have getting meets while you sort through a full inbox? Are they ok with that? Are they going to get jealous?
I think a lot of guys hear what your saying and imagine you bringing over endless couples and hot women for him to enjoy.
Very few realise it’s means a lot of sitting at home wanking while your out enjoying yourself. They need to be ok with that at a minimum, and ideally, they need to be turned on at the idea. Not resentful of it
Good luck, and as I said, I don’t think any of your outcomes are your fault. It’s almost always gonna be the guy thinking he’s ok with the fantasy he’s made up in his head, and struggling to accept the reality
Absolutely spot on. This all comes back to the well established fab dynamic heavily skewered in favour of women for this type of arrangement."
I have never swung so I'm not really familiar with all of that. But I do need to understand the male perspective better. I'd like to. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Went on a first date and started talking about threesomes. Ended with her wanking me off in her car as I told her how I wanted to share her lol "
It's a bit of a hot concept to be fair... |
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By *hilloutMan
over a year ago
All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest |
"I think you need to be incredibly blunt from the start and realise and accept most men aren’t going to be into that. Even if they say they are, most actually aren’t. It’s one of those things that sounds great in theory (we both get to shag other people) until the reality hits (your getting way more then opportunities then he does) and it suddenly isn’t cool anymore
Last thing you want is someone that pretends it’s ok and comes to resent you for it
As usual, being very forward, honest and blunt about what you want is best
I am very honest about being non-monogamous. I don't just stick it on a profile and never mention it. (I am rewriting my profile here). And yet still men say it's ok and then later have problems. This thread has made me realise I am not the problem. If a man wants to pretend it's ok and lie to me - that's not my fault.
Your absolutely not the problem. Many men think they’re ok with it until the reality hits.
I think an interesting question to ask early is “what does this mean to you?”
This is gonna give you an insight into whether they’ve fully taken on what it means. Do they grasp how it works? Do they think it’s just gonna be lots of FFM orgies you organise? Or have they realised it’s gonna be a lot of the usual struggles men have getting meets while you sort through a full inbox? Are they ok with that? Are they going to get jealous?
I think a lot of guys hear what your saying and imagine you bringing over endless couples and hot women for him to enjoy.
Very few realise it’s means a lot of sitting at home wanking while your out enjoying yourself. They need to be ok with that at a minimum, and ideally, they need to be turned on at the idea. Not resentful of it
Good luck, and as I said, I don’t think any of your outcomes are your fault. It’s almost always gonna be the guy thinking he’s ok with the fantasy he’s made up in his head, and struggling to accept the reality
Absolutely spot on. This all comes back to the well established fab dynamic heavily skewered in favour of women for this type of arrangement.
I have never swung so I'm not really familiar with all of that. But I do need to understand the male perspective better. I'd like to. "
I certainly can't speak for all men though believe Thic summed it up perfectly.
Good luck! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I didnt read all the above messages so sorry if Im repeating what others have said!!
As well as more casual stuff on here I also date multiple people in a romantic context (so slightly different to you!) and I have the same difficulties dating people who are new to non-monogamy.
I think its a whole big process to get your head around and for a lot of people it actually takes 6 months or a year to work through their feelings (these arent all people Ive dated btw... I know a lot of poly people and have seen newbies go through this process). Most people realise after a few weeks that it isnt for them.
You can often tell where someone is by asking about jealousy. People who are new and havent understood simply say "Im not a jealous person" whereas people who have been poly for a long time say "of course I get jealous sometimes. Heres what I do about it"
Its a lot of emotional labour to support someone who is going through that process, and most of the time it ends up with them deciding non monogamy doesnt work for them.
For that reason, I only date someone who is new to poly if I feel a really strong connection. Otherwise its just too much effort to be disappointed! But when it works, its great - you just have to keep communicaing about feelings and hold space for anything that comes up.
I know its slightly different to your situation but I hope some of it feels relevant!
There are some dating sites that are particularly good for those seeking non-monogamous relationships. Im not sure if Im allowed to say them on here so if you want to know give me a shout and I will send you a PM
Good luck! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I think you need to be incredibly blunt from the start and realise and accept most men aren’t going to be into that. Even if they say they are, most actually aren’t. It’s one of those things that sounds great in theory (we both get to shag other people) until the reality hits (your getting way more then opportunities then he does) and it suddenly isn’t cool anymore
Last thing you want is someone that pretends it’s ok and comes to resent you for it
As usual, being very forward, honest and blunt about what you want is best
I am very honest about being non-monogamous. I don't just stick it on a profile and never mention it. (I am rewriting my profile here). And yet still men say it's ok and then later have problems. This thread has made me realise I am not the problem. If a man wants to pretend it's ok and lie to me - that's not my fault.
Your absolutely not the problem. Many men think they’re ok with it until the reality hits.
I think an interesting question to ask early is “what does this mean to you?”
This is gonna give you an insight into whether they’ve fully taken on what it means. Do they grasp how it works? Do they think it’s just gonna be lots of FFM orgies you organise? Or have they realised it’s gonna be a lot of the usual struggles men have getting meets while you sort through a full inbox? Are they ok with that? Are they going to get jealous?
I think a lot of guys hear what your saying and imagine you bringing over endless couples and hot women for him to enjoy.
Very few realise it’s means a lot of sitting at home wanking while your out enjoying yourself. They need to be ok with that at a minimum, and ideally, they need to be turned on at the idea. Not resentful of it
Good luck, and as I said, I don’t think any of your outcomes are your fault. It’s almost always gonna be the guy thinking he’s ok with the fantasy he’s made up in his head, and struggling to accept the reality
Absolutely spot on. This all comes back to the well established fab dynamic heavily skewered in favour of women for this type of arrangement.
I have never swung so I'm not really familiar with all of that. But I do need to understand the male perspective better. I'd like to.
I certainly can't speak for all men though believe Thic summed it up perfectly.
Good luck! "
Thank you! |
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