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What does dominant mean?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Bouncing off another thread where people associated dominance with physical stature.
I’m neither tall nor big and yet I’m a rather dominant lover. And despite a rather reserved nature, I’m not exactly a wallflower in the rest of my life either.
And that got me thinking, what do people perceive as dominant ?
What are the characteristics which make one person impose themselves upon another?
Are there some personality traits you would identify as dominant ?
I believe it’s a mix of physical attributes and personality traits and each of us probably perceive it differently. So I’m curious, what do you perceive as dominant ? |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
For me, it's very individual and varies from person to person - it's about character not any physical attribute, although there is a type of dominance that can be asserted by being physically bigger than another, but I don't think that's what we're talking about here.
The character will have a level of confidence and assuredness, not necessarily outgoing or loud and brash, but in control and able to take control of a situation.
There's also a certain "je ne sais quoi" which I can't define that could see two people with similar character traits one of whom I'd find dominant, the other I wouldn't.
Not sure I've explained myself well, but it's difficult to find exactly the right words, even though I know what I mean. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"For me, it's very individual and varies from person to person - it's about character not any physical attribute, although there is a type of dominance that can be asserted by being physically bigger than another, but I don't think that's what we're talking about here.
The character will have a level of confidence and assuredness, not necessarily outgoing or loud and brash, but in control and able to take control of a situation.
There's also a certain "je ne sais quoi" which I can't define that could see two people with similar character traits one of whom I'd find dominant, the other I wouldn't.
Not sure I've explained myself well, but it's difficult to find exactly the right words, even though I know what I mean."
Confident, in control, yes I see that too.
But it is rather difficult to pinpoint, isn’t it? |
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"Bouncing off another thread where people associated dominance with physical stature.
I’m neither tall nor big and yet I’m a rather dominant lover. And despite a rather reserved nature, I’m not exactly a wallflower in the rest of my life either.
And that got me thinking, what do people perceive as dominant ?
What are the characteristics which make one person impose themselves upon another?
Are there some personality traits you would identify as dominant ?
I believe it’s a mix of physical attributes and personality traits and each of us probably perceive it differently. So I’m curious, what do you perceive as dominant ?"
Someone can be physically strong or have a large physique but not be dominant
To dominate tends to mean to control someone - physical, mentally or both - often to someone who perceived themselves to be weaker in mind/body
Personally I equate dominating someone to be a negative trait akin to bullying |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I am small in stature but I have been in a dominant position most of my life in terms of leadership.
With a woman, I can be a dominant lover, albeit not in the sense most judge dominance to be. In my case, it starts with the mind and it isn’t aggressive or pushy. It’s a subtle seduction and wooing.
I wasn’t aware of it until it was pointed out to me not so long ago.  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Bouncing off another thread where people associated dominance with physical stature.
I’m neither tall nor big and yet I’m a rather dominant lover. And despite a rather reserved nature, I’m not exactly a wallflower in the rest of my life either.
And that got me thinking, what do people perceive as dominant ?
What are the characteristics which make one person impose themselves upon another?
Are there some personality traits you would identify as dominant ?
I believe it’s a mix of physical attributes and personality traits and each of us probably perceive it differently. So I’m curious, what do you perceive as dominant ?
Someone can be physically strong or have a large physique but not be dominant
To dominate tends to mean to control someone - physical, mentally or both - often to someone who perceived themselves to be weaker in mind/body
Personally I equate dominating someone to be a negative trait akin to bullying "
I guess it depends on how the dominance is expressed or used. It can certainly be done in a very negative way when someone abuses their dominant position.
But I also believe that a genuinely dominant person doesn’t feel the need to be the loudest or crush others in one a way or another. In fact they won’t, they’re more likely to let others express themselves as they don’t feel threatened. They will listen and they may even let themselves be swayed by others.
And in this statement the important words are « let themselves » because ultimately they stay in control. Of themselves first and then possibly others. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I am small in stature but I have been in a dominant position most of my life in terms of leadership.
With a woman, I can be a dominant lover, albeit not in the sense most judge dominance to be. In my case, it starts with the mind and it isn’t aggressive or pushy. It’s a subtle seduction and wooing.
I wasn’t aware of it until it was pointed out to me not so long ago. "
Yes, more assertive than aggressive. I see that ad a dominant trait too.
Can you define how most judge dominance to be? |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
Where would you like me? |
It's difficult to define and very subjective, what one person sees as being a dominant person another won't necessarily.
Behavioural traits? I'm going to go with those of someone who isn't dominant in a negative way (oh and not dominant with a capital D as well!).
I guess for me there would be a comfortable confidence in who they are, whether that's quiet or more unapologetic about who they are. The sort of person who doesn't need to speak loudly, say certain things to command attention; they can do so in a calm and composed manner because that's who they are.
They don't need to put others down to come across as better or to better themselves. They tend to be the sort of person people naturally gravitate towards, free of mind games etc.
I've not come across very many naturally dominant people on Fab in all honesty, I've mainly thought of those in the workplace/setting who have had that quality. I wouldn't necessarily describe you as dominant OP (that's not a bad thing! For others you might come across that way).
To be honest even my descriptions are poor, I do think there's an indefinable quality as GM said above. It's definitely not down to physicality though. |
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By *_and_SCouple
over a year ago
Scotland |
An interesting thread OP.
We consider ourselves to have a D/s dynamic with myself (fem) as the Submissive. But we’re not a Master/sl@ve type dynamic but rather Teacher/student. Echoing what others have said being (a) dominant is individual but does take confidence and the ability to build trust with the Sub. But I think many (mostly single males) truly don’t understand what it means to be a D in this dynamic. The Sub is the one truly in control. We couldn’t be further from bullying as I will willingly give myself to my Dom (Senpai) and we take so much enjoyment from the power play. It’s extremely erotic.
I’ve had plenty messages to my single profile of single men professing to be a Dom. But in reality they perceive their ability to throw someone around a bed or tie them up is what makes them dominant. There is an element of dominance in that however that’s not what I look for in someone to be dominant. There’s much more associated with the mind than just physical stature.
I hope this early morning rambling makes sense ! |
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By *_and_SCouple
over a year ago
Scotland |
"It's difficult to define and very subjective, what one person sees as being a dominant person another won't necessarily.
Behavioural traits? I'm going to go with those of someone who isn't dominant in a negative way (oh and not dominant with a capital D as well!).
I guess for me there would be a comfortable confidence in who they are, whether that's quiet or more unapologetic about who they are. The sort of person who doesn't need to speak loudly, say certain things to command attention; they can do so in a calm and composed manner because that's who they are.
They don't need to put others down to come across as better or to better themselves. They tend to be the sort of person people naturally gravitate towards, free of mind games etc.
I've not come across very many naturally dominant people on Fab in all honesty, I've mainly thought of those in the workplace/setting who have had that quality. I wouldn't necessarily describe you as dominant OP (that's not a bad thing! For others you might come across that way).
To be honest even my descriptions are poor, I do think there's an indefinable quality as GM said above. It's definitely not down to physicality though."
So true. It is very subjective  and I agree with your description too x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"It's difficult to define and very subjective, what one person sees as being a dominant person another won't necessarily.
Behavioural traits? I'm going to go with those of someone who isn't dominant in a negative way (oh and not dominant with a capital D as well!).
I guess for me there would be a comfortable confidence in who they are, whether that's quiet or more unapologetic about who they are. The sort of person who doesn't need to speak loudly, say certain things to command attention; they can do so in a calm and composed manner because that's who they are.
They don't need to put others down to come across as better or to better themselves. They tend to be the sort of person people naturally gravitate towards, free of mind games etc.
I've not come across very many naturally dominant people on Fab in all honesty, I've mainly thought of those in the workplace/setting who have had that quality. I wouldn't necessarily describe you as dominant OP (that's not a bad thing! For others you might come across that way).
To be honest even my descriptions are poor, I do think there's an indefinable quality as GM said above. It's definitely not down to physicality though."
I was hoping you’d pop by and lend your verb to that exercise. It is difficult and if anybody has the required eloquence, it’s you.
And I do like the way you describe it. I see it that way too.
And I’d like to add that I don’t see it as an absolute thing but rather situational: one may be dominant with some persons but not others. It compounds the difficulty. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"An interesting thread OP.
We consider ourselves to have a D/s dynamic with myself (fem) as the Submissive. But we’re not a Master/sl@ve type dynamic but rather Teacher/student. Echoing what others have said being (a) dominant is individual but does take confidence and the ability to build trust with the Sub. But I think many (mostly single males) truly don’t understand what it means to be a D in this dynamic. The Sub is the one truly in control. We couldn’t be further from bullying as I will willingly give myself to my Dom (Senpai) and we take so much enjoyment from the power play. It’s extremely erotic.
I’ve had plenty messages to my single profile of single men professing to be a Dom. But in reality they perceive their ability to throw someone around a bed or tie them up is what makes them dominant. There is an element of dominance in that however that’s not what I look for in someone to be dominant. There’s much more associated with the mind than just physical stature.
I hope this early morning rambling makes sense ! "
It makes a lot of sense and I agree with you. Thanks for your contribution |
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By *_and_SCouple
over a year ago
Scotland |
Senpai here.
So IMHO a D/s relationship should be focused on nurture, but with a firm hand.
But the dom and sub must fit, have that vibe, that spark.
I couldn't and wouldn't dom juat anyone, and clearly subs don't amd shouldn't submit to just anyone.
I don't look for subs, there is just that click sometimes. With Seiko, it was our first meet, and being ever aware of a partner's reactions, I could tell that she was excited when i took control so we explored this.
Then we talked about it, and formalised it, mainly through naming Seiko.
But i always respect and value that Seiko holds the ultimate piwer of offering me her submission of her own free will. A gift she can take back at any time.
So in a dynamic where a dom is lookimg to nurture their sub, there will be exploration, boundary pushing and there has to be communication.
Also importantly, especially after intense or new experiences there is the importance of the closeness and physical and mental nurture after an experience.
With our dynamic, i have often noticed that even the subtlest things, saying "my Seiko" especially in public, can cause the deepest erotic response, and in turn that excites and pleasures me.
Dominance is not about abuse, its about nurture and growth.
And fun of course!
Just my 2 pence. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"For me, it's very individual and varies from person to person - it's about character not any physical attribute, although there is a type of dominance that can be asserted by being physically bigger than another, but I don't think that's what we're talking about here.
The character will have a level of confidence and assuredness, not necessarily outgoing or loud and brash, but in control and able to take control of a situation.
There's also a certain "je ne sais quoi" which I can't define that could see two people with similar character traits one of whom I'd find dominant, the other I wouldn't.
Not sure I've explained myself well, but it's difficult to find exactly the right words, even though I know what I mean.
Confident, in control, yes I see that too.
But it is rather difficult to pinpoint, isn’t it?"
It is and for me and my submissive side, it's more an instinctive thing to "feel" submissive to someone rather than a particularly definable quality - almost like you just "know" that a person is the flip side of your coin without being able to necessarily put your finger on why.
It's a rare thing to find and I can count on one hand the number of people I have felt instinctively submissive to in the time since I discovered my submissive side in many years ago. |
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The answer will vary from person to person as much as what people think beauty is.
I don't think dominance is about physical stature, I've come across dominants who are my height and far more petite than I am. It's not about rough handling or intimidation, there are plenty of sensual dominants out there. There isn't a set of tick boxes that make one a dominant.
To me dominance is about holding my attention, where nothing else exists in that moment bar them. They are able to understand a submissives mindeset and are able to give their submissives what they desire. In a way a dominant is a person who allows a submissive to live out their fantasises in a safe environment. Be that impact play, financial domination, pet play and everything else in-between.
|
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By *VineMan
over a year ago
The right place |
It’s another term that means different things to different people. To me it’s to do with taking a lead and directing operations! Lol
That can be done with looks, gestures, touch of overtly with words. It’s much more psychological than physical. |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai / Nottingham |
For me, personality traits are I make decisions very quickly , normally, if they are big I consult etc but on the little stuff it’s instant. And I’ll make decisions for others if they want me to, or take too long to order or choose a dress  I love making decisions for lovers like make up, hair , clothes, meal, wine
I stand my ground in a dispute or negotiation, will usually make the first move, and bring them to my point of view, that’s different from being competitive, which I’m not, , I just want the best possible outcomes, so it’s often based on win-win not win-lose like competitive Dom’s.
I’m fairly nurturing having worked as a mentor for years so tend to know what’s wrong with others and how to fix it but also that I won’t fix it for them, they have to grow but I’ll help them.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"It's difficult to define and very subjective, what one person sees as being a dominant person another won't necessarily.
Behavioural traits? I'm going to go with those of someone who isn't dominant in a negative way (oh and not dominant with a capital D as well!).
I guess for me there would be a comfortable confidence in who they are, whether that's quiet or more unapologetic about who they are. The sort of person who doesn't need to speak loudly, say certain things to command attention; they can do so in a calm and composed manner because that's who they are.
They don't need to put others down to come across as better or to better themselves. They tend to be the sort of person people naturally gravitate towards, free of mind games etc.
I've not come across very many naturally dominant people on Fab in all honesty, I've mainly thought of those in the workplace/setting who have had that quality. I wouldn't necessarily describe you as dominant OP (that's not a bad thing! For others you might come across that way).
To be honest even my descriptions are poor, I do think there's an indefinable quality as GM said above. It's definitely not down to physicality though."
I think im quite dominant and this describes me well. |
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By *an_LexaCouple
over a year ago
Sunderland |
Personally I feel its sub dependant. What “you” might feel is being dominant, will not work or hold the attention of one person, but will for another.
Like most everything in life it comes down to the connection you have and build together. That connection can be an instantaneous thing if you are on the same wavelength or it may take time to build and bubble. But when you have earned trust and respect, dominance shines through quietly, confidently and commanding. It’s not forced, brash and demanding. Its accepted, its desired and “I’m” willing, wanting and needing.
It’s give and take, its understanding, its communication and it’s very much individual to its participants. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I am small in stature but I have been in a dominant position most of my life in terms of leadership.
With a woman, I can be a dominant lover, albeit not in the sense most judge dominance to be. In my case, it starts with the mind and it isn’t aggressive or pushy. It’s a subtle seduction and wooing.
I wasn’t aware of it until it was pointed out to me not so long ago.
Yes, more assertive than aggressive. I see that ad a dominant trait too.
Can you define how most judge dominance to be? "
I think most here judge dominance more in terms of physicality perhaps. Mention the word ‘dominance’ and they think rough play generally.
I can be rough but probably unable to pick up a woman and toss her about a bit.
However, the subtle dominance is something some seem surprised by. I can’t really describe it. It simply happens. It’s seduction and acquiescence. Very erotic. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Interestingly I’d never have considered myself to be dominant until a few years ago, where I was asked if I was on a regular basis. I’m often told there is just “something about me” that gives the impression.
A look, a word a tone. I don’t know. Do I enjoy being in control sexually, yes very much so, though this I wouldn’t believe to necessarily be dominant. I enjoy controlling someone’s pleasure, watching the smallest of changes in their reactions and being able to control them. Do I take as much pleasure in withholding also?! Yes.
I do know however that I’m not submissive  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
As some have said in this thread, dominance is subjective and dependent on the eye of the beholder.
I am, generally, dominant in the sense I can make decisions and take charge. However, scream and bellow at me and I lose that dominance. I have no response when tempers flare and am rather overwhelmed by it. The only thing I want to do is run away from it. I am utterly submissive in that situation. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"As some have said in this thread, dominance is subjective and dependent on the eye of the beholder.
I am, generally, dominant in the sense I can make decisions and take charge. However, scream and bellow at me and I lose that dominance. I have no response when tempers flare and am rather overwhelmed by it. The only thing I want to do is run away from it. I am utterly submissive in that situation."
That’s quite interesting….that’s where I become quieter….firmer and stand my ground, not with volume, but stance. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Senpai here.
So IMHO a D/s relationship should be focused on nurture, but with a firm hand.
But the dom and sub must fit, have that vibe, that spark.
I couldn't and wouldn't dom juat anyone, and clearly subs don't amd shouldn't submit to just anyone.
I don't look for subs, there is just that click sometimes. With Seiko, it was our first meet, and being ever aware of a partner's reactions, I could tell that she was excited when i took control so we explored this.
Then we talked about it, and formalised it, mainly through naming Seiko.
But i always respect and value that Seiko holds the ultimate piwer of offering me her submission of her own free will. A gift she can take back at any time.
So in a dynamic where a dom is lookimg to nurture their sub, there will be exploration, boundary pushing and there has to be communication.
Also importantly, especially after intense or new experiences there is the importance of the closeness and physical and mental nurture after an experience.
With our dynamic, i have often noticed that even the subtlest things, saying "my Seiko" especially in public, can cause the deepest erotic response, and in turn that excites and pleasures me.
Dominance is not about abuse, its about nurture and growth.
And fun of course!
Just my 2 pence. "
Thanks. It sounds like you both found exactly what you needed. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"For me, it's very individual and varies from person to person - it's about character not any physical attribute, although there is a type of dominance that can be asserted by being physically bigger than another, but I don't think that's what we're talking about here.
The character will have a level of confidence and assuredness, not necessarily outgoing or loud and brash, but in control and able to take control of a situation.
There's also a certain "je ne sais quoi" which I can't define that could see two people with similar character traits one of whom I'd find dominant, the other I wouldn't.
Not sure I've explained myself well, but it's difficult to find exactly the right words, even though I know what I mean.
Confident, in control, yes I see that too.
But it is rather difficult to pinpoint, isn’t it?
It is and for me and my submissive side, it's more an instinctive thing to "feel" submissive to someone rather than a particularly definable quality - almost like you just "know" that a person is the flip side of your coin without being able to necessarily put your finger on why.
It's a rare thing to find and I can count on one hand the number of people I have felt instinctively submissive to in the time since I discovered my submissive side in many years ago."
I think you’re right, there is an instinctive part in the definition of the roles in such relationships. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"The answer will vary from person to person as much as what people think beauty is.
I don't think dominance is about physical stature, I've come across dominants who are my height and far more petite than I am. It's not about rough handling or intimidation, there are plenty of sensual dominants out there. There isn't a set of tick boxes that make one a dominant.
To me dominance is about holding my attention, where nothing else exists in that moment bar them. They are able to understand a submissives mindeset and are able to give their submissives what they desire. In a way a dominant is a person who allows a submissive to live out their fantasises in a safe environment. Be that impact play, financial domination, pet play and everything else in-between.
"
I agree it will vary from person to person. I was hoping people who share their views and maybe some common personality traits would appear.
Thanks for sharing your POV . |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"It’s another term that means different things to different people. To me it’s to do with taking a lead and directing operations! Lol
That can be done with looks, gestures, touch of overtly with words. It’s much more psychological than physical. "
Looks and body language, yes, absolutely. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"For me, personality traits are I make decisions very quickly , normally, if they are big I consult etc but on the little stuff it’s instant. And I’ll make decisions for others if they want me to, or take too long to order or choose a dress I love making decisions for lovers like make up, hair , clothes, meal, wine
I stand my ground in a dispute or negotiation, will usually make the first move, and bring them to my point of view, that’s different from being competitive, which I’m not, , I just want the best possible outcomes, so it’s often based on win-win not win-lose like competitive Dom’s.
I’m fairly nurturing having worked as a mentor for years so tend to know what’s wrong with others and how to fix it but also that I won’t fix it for them, they have to grow but I’ll help them.
"
Do you think the quick decision making boils down to self confidence?
And the other thing which comes to mind while reading you is determination. |
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"The answer will vary from person to person as much as what people think beauty is.
I don't think dominance is about physical stature, I've come across dominants who are my height and far more petite than I am. It's not about rough handling or intimidation, there are plenty of sensual dominants out there. There isn't a set of tick boxes that make one a dominant.
To me dominance is about holding my attention, where nothing else exists in that moment bar them. They are able to understand a submissives mindeset and are able to give their submissives what they desire. In a way a dominant is a person who allows a submissive to live out their fantasises in a safe environment. Be that impact play, financial domination, pet play and everything else in-between.
I agree it will vary from person to person. I was hoping people who share their views and maybe some common personality traits would appear.
Thanks for sharing your POV ."
For me the common trait I believe is that they have a quiet confidence. From my own experience they also have attention to detail that goes beyond the norm.
What do you think it is OP?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"It's difficult to define and very subjective, what one person sees as being a dominant person another won't necessarily.
Behavioural traits? I'm going to go with those of someone who isn't dominant in a negative way (oh and not dominant with a capital D as well!).
I guess for me there would be a comfortable confidence in who they are, whether that's quiet or more unapologetic about who they are. The sort of person who doesn't need to speak loudly, say certain things to command attention; they can do so in a calm and composed manner because that's who they are.
They don't need to put others down to come across as better or to better themselves. They tend to be the sort of person people naturally gravitate towards, free of mind games etc.
I've not come across very many naturally dominant people on Fab in all honesty, I've mainly thought of those in the workplace/setting who have had that quality. I wouldn't necessarily describe you as dominant OP (that's not a bad thing! For others you might come across that way).
To be honest even my descriptions are poor, I do think there's an indefinable quality as GM said above. It's definitely not down to physicality though.
I think im quite dominant and this describes me well."
another vote in this direction. It feels like there is a common denominator after all |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Personally I feel its sub dependant. What “you” might feel is being dominant, will not work or hold the attention of one person, but will for another.
Like most everything in life it comes down to the connection you have and build together. That connection can be an instantaneous thing if you are on the same wavelength or it may take time to build and bubble. But when you have earned trust and respect, dominance shines through quietly, confidently and commanding. It’s not forced, brash and demanding. Its accepted, its desired and “I’m” willing, wanting and needing.
It’s give and take, its understanding, its communication and it’s very much individual to its participants."
You experienced both sides of the coin. Do you feel like it’s like that for a switch? They might recognise in someone the qualities which make them want to submit and in someone else the qualities which make them want to top?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"It's more about the way they are than how they look.
I mean, I'm only little, but I know I can be intimidating and dominant, sometimes it's just a look that does it. The way you say something... "
Yes, I agree. Tone of voice, choice of words. And the looks. I play with the looks a lot. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I am small in stature but I have been in a dominant position most of my life in terms of leadership.
With a woman, I can be a dominant lover, albeit not in the sense most judge dominance to be. In my case, it starts with the mind and it isn’t aggressive or pushy. It’s a subtle seduction and wooing.
I wasn’t aware of it until it was pointed out to me not so long ago.
Yes, more assertive than aggressive. I see that ad a dominant trait too.
Can you define how most judge dominance to be?
I think most here judge dominance more in terms of physicality perhaps. Mention the word ‘dominance’ and they think rough play generally.
I can be rough but probably unable to pick up a woman and toss her about a bit.
However, the subtle dominance is something some seem surprised by. I can’t really describe it. It simply happens. It’s seduction and acquiescence. Very erotic."
Gotcha |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Interestingly I’d never have considered myself to be dominant until a few years ago, where I was asked if I was on a regular basis. I’m often told there is just “something about me” that gives the impression.
A look, a word a tone. I don’t know. Do I enjoy being in control sexually, yes very much so, though this I wouldn’t believe to necessarily be dominant. I enjoy controlling someone’s pleasure, watching the smallest of changes in their reactions and being able to control them. Do I take as much pleasure in withholding also?! Yes.
I do know however that I’m not submissive "
I very much like to take control too. And I find it even sweeter when you had to battle to get in that position of control. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"As some have said in this thread, dominance is subjective and dependent on the eye of the beholder.
I am, generally, dominant in the sense I can make decisions and take charge. However, scream and bellow at me and I lose that dominance. I have no response when tempers flare and am rather overwhelmed by it. The only thing I want to do is run away from it. I am utterly submissive in that situation."
That’s interesting. You mean conflict is destabilising you? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"to me it's someone who takes control "
Some people may take control by default though. I mean they’d rather not but circumstances force them. Would still consider them dominant ? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"The answer will vary from person to person as much as what people think beauty is.
I don't think dominance is about physical stature, I've come across dominants who are my height and far more petite than I am. It's not about rough handling or intimidation, there are plenty of sensual dominants out there. There isn't a set of tick boxes that make one a dominant.
To me dominance is about holding my attention, where nothing else exists in that moment bar them. They are able to understand a submissives mindeset and are able to give their submissives what they desire. In a way a dominant is a person who allows a submissive to live out their fantasises in a safe environment. Be that impact play, financial domination, pet play and everything else in-between.
I agree it will vary from person to person. I was hoping people who share their views and maybe some common personality traits would appear.
Thanks for sharing your POV .
For me the common trait I believe is that they have a quiet confidence. From my own experience they also have attention to detail that goes beyond the norm.
What do you think it is OP?
"
Quiet confidence, yes, absolutely. A form of natural authority. Someone (I can’t remember who) said: you loose your authority the moment you have to exercise it.
I think that’s very true. If you have to impose your authority onto someone, it means you don’t actually have it.
I think it applies dominance too. It’s a mind think, not a show of physical strength.
Traits I recognise in dominant persons: Confidence, determination and consistency too. If someone is wittering and changing their mind every other second, I won’t feel the dominance. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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ill tell you what its not ..its not always about bdsm ...love a dom guy in bed but you cant ask for that as they all think its bdsm related ... bloody tunnel vision |
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
My tuppence is the following.
There is a difference between being "dominant" and being a "Dominant".
Being dominant is situational, I have known many confident and take control fuckwits who are brash and/or who are quietly confident but unable to see their failures. Ihere are other characteristics that are more important than dominance. But sticking to dominance, it can be situational, and is clearly subjective.
Being a Dominant in a D/S sense is purely down to whether a submissive calls you their dominant. You can cite all the books, and personal theories. You can be against ignorent chancers and people wanting sex or to be abusive but it is purely subject to the particular submissive at a particular time.
There is no verified or accepted credentials or qualifications for a Dominant. Nor does peer approval count. It is solely down to someone in the submissive role (to cover switches,) deferring to you as their dominant.
Whereas for a Top, then certain competencies are expected. |
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By *an_LexaCouple
over a year ago
Sunderland |
Being switchy my desires often fluctuate from one extreme to the other but in the presence of someone who has those dominating qualities, my desires melt away and my only desire becomes fulfilling theirs. I lose my ability to control that part of myself. It’s almost an unwilling action. Their very presence, their demeanour, their ability to make me feel comfortable and feel safe allows me to relinquish my power.
I think it is possible to recognise someone inherently submissive and someone inherently dominating in nature but I don’t think being switchy has anything to do with that ability.
A truly dominating character does not come at me weapon in hand. A belt, a paddle, a crop, a whip etc is not what makes someone dominant and if they think that’s all it takes for me to view them that way, they’re very wrong. Dominance is not “impact play” there is sooooooo much more alongside, maybe it doesn’t even feature at all.
The same goes for subs. Someone who is begging for me to fuck their arse, is not a sub, they just want me to fuck their arse. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"ill tell you what its not ..its not always about bdsm ...love a dom guy in bed but you cant ask for that as they all think its bdsm related ... bloody tunnel vision"
I agree. The term dominant is often used in that context but it’s exclusive to it.
And it boils down to communication. If your expectations are understood you’ll find what you are looking for. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Interestingly I’d never have considered myself to be dominant until a few years ago, where I was asked if I was on a regular basis. I’m often told there is just “something about me” that gives the impression.
A look, a word a tone. I don’t know. Do I enjoy being in control sexually, yes very much so, though this I wouldn’t believe to necessarily be dominant. I enjoy controlling someone’s pleasure, watching the smallest of changes in their reactions and being able to control them. Do I take as much pleasure in withholding also?! Yes.
I do know however that I’m not submissive
I very much like to take control too. And I find it even sweeter when you had to battle to get in that position of control."
It’s the psychological…the will, want and need of both |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"ill tell you what its not ..its not always about bdsm ...love a dom guy in bed but you cant ask for that as they all think its bdsm related ... bloody tunnel vision
I agree. The term dominant is often used in that context but it’s exclusive to it.
And it boils down to communication. If your expectations are understood you’ll find what you are looking for."
Oops! Typo! I meant: it’s NOT exclusive to it |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Being switchy my desires often fluctuate from one extreme to the other but in the presence of someone who has those dominating qualities, my desires melt away and my only desire becomes fulfilling theirs. I lose my ability to control that part of myself. It’s almost an unwilling action. Their very presence, their demeanour, their ability to make me feel comfortable and feel safe allows me to relinquish my power.
I think it is possible to recognise someone inherently submissive and someone inherently dominating in nature but I don’t think being switchy has anything to do with that ability.
A truly dominating character does not come at me weapon in hand. A belt, a paddle, a crop, a whip etc is not what makes someone dominant and if they think that’s all it takes for me to view them that way, they’re very wrong. Dominance is not “impact play” there is sooooooo much more alongside, maybe it doesn’t even feature at all.
The same goes for subs. Someone who is begging for me to fuck their arse, is not a sub, they just want me to fuck their arse. "
…with the destroyer |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"A Dominant is one who makes me want to submit, purely because I want to, and I’ll do anything for him (within agreed limits)"
So the question then is what does make you want to submit? |
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By *an_LexaCouple
over a year ago
Sunderland |
"Being switchy my desires often fluctuate from one extreme to the other but in the presence of someone who has those dominating qualities, my desires melt away and my only desire becomes fulfilling theirs. I lose my ability to control that part of myself. It’s almost an unwilling action. Their very presence, their demeanour, their ability to make me feel comfortable and feel safe allows me to relinquish my power.
I think it is possible to recognise someone inherently submissive and someone inherently dominating in nature but I don’t think being switchy has anything to do with that ability.
A truly dominating character does not come at me weapon in hand. A belt, a paddle, a crop, a whip etc is not what makes someone dominant and if they think that’s all it takes for me to view them that way, they’re very wrong. Dominance is not “impact play” there is sooooooo much more alongside, maybe it doesn’t even feature at all.
The same goes for subs. Someone who is begging for me to fuck their arse, is not a sub, they just want me to fuck their arse.
…with the destroyer "
If they beg for it, if they really want it, then that’s what they’ll get |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As some have said in this thread, dominance is subjective and dependent on the eye of the beholder.
I am, generally, dominant in the sense I can make decisions and take charge. However, scream and bellow at me and I lose that dominance. I have no response when tempers flare and am rather overwhelmed by it. The only thing I want to do is run away from it. I am utterly submissive in that situation.
That’s interesting. You mean conflict is destabilising you? "
I think that’s what it is, the destabilisation. It’s the loss of control, seeing the loss of control in the other, the inability to reason with them in a calm manner, to arrest the upheaval and instability. It all equates to a loss of control and that in turn translates to a loss of my dominance.
Why I submit to that it is perhaps another issue and irrelevant to the question here. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"ill tell you what its not ..its not always about bdsm ...love a dom guy in bed but you cant ask for that as they all think its bdsm related ... bloody tunnel vision
I agree. The term dominant is often used in that context but it’s exclusive to it.
And it boils down to communication. If your expectations are understood you’ll find what you are looking for."
no it does not register if i put looking for a sexually dom guy hell i could write it in a mini book format i still get the bdsm crowd messaging me ..its been the same on fab and other site before fab was around ...99.9% see dom and think bdsm ..
hence me having no profile at the mo people just dont read and just assume.... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A Dominant is one who makes me want to submit, purely because I want to, and I’ll do anything for him (within agreed limits)
So the question then is what does make you want to submit?"
It’s many things. The look in his eye, the quiet confidence, the knowledge in him that I will submit, but also, I want to because he makes me feel safe, seen and heard, and for that I will do anything for him. |
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By *onb21Woman
over a year ago
Cardiff |
To me dominance is nothing to do with stature and all to do with personality. However, stature can help with the perception of it.
Dominance, in the sexual sense, to me is control, superiority and emotional strength. They can't be a pushover or overly polite. They are focused and know what they want and they know how people work and how to read them. |
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By *onb21Woman
over a year ago
Cardiff |
"ill tell you what its not ..its not always about bdsm ...love a dom guy in bed but you cant ask for that as they all think its bdsm related ... bloody tunnel vision"
This is very true.
For me it's easier to look for BDSM kinksters to fulfill my needs than to try and define the naturally dominant man who would more than do it for me. |
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